Shishimaru-kun told me what happened this week. And Sasuke-kun said it was resolved. You'll have to forgive me for not entirely taking him at his word.
[because taka told senri not to even try to return sasuke's feelings, because he didn't want to share his boyfriend. and senri isn't about to go against that, or try anything else when it means he runs the risk of upsetting the person he loves.
. . . ]
He said... I led him on, and I bullied Taka into admitting that he liked me... but he forgives me...?
Ah, it's okay... He's probably right - not that I did any of it on purpose but... I don't really... [have a reference on what love looks like] I've never...
[had someone love me before.
ugh he can't find the words he wants, or coax them out of his mouth
but he'll reach up to cup tamaki's cheek anyway]
What is this about, Tamaki...? Is it really Sasuke..?
[He allows it for a few seconds before he turns his head just a little.]
...never mind. He was upset, it didn't really mean anything. [He thinks. He's pretty sure Sasuke just grossly misunderstood things but now Tamaki's like ??? so.] He seems to have a goal in mind now, and we'll help him reach it. But be gentle with him until the end. It's going to be difficult for him until he can find it in his heart to forgive himself.
[senri is now also ????? his brow furrows and he tilts his head in confusion - but also... takes his hand back if tamaki doesn't want him to touch him....
he looks a little disappointed and hurt again but nevermind that, senri's an idiot who's been spoiled rotten]
... mm, I'll do my best.
[but
he's still searching tamaki's expression for a hint as to anything else that might've been bothering him?]
Did he say something to you...?
[tamaki's been in a fragile place, senri wouldn't be shocked if sasuke just slammed into something like a bull in a china shop]
[He's still holding him though so really, who's to say what the fuck. As it is, he's keeping his expression as blank as possible as he tries to decide how much damage he feels like causing before they even leave his room.]
...I want to tell you things, but I'm afraid of ruining things and complicating them further. So. Please don't ask me things you aren't prepared to hear.
senri pauses at that, because he understands. he understands very well how difficult it can be to talk to someone and risk burdening them with something as ugly as the truth. of course tamaki would think the same thing. and it's extra difficult in this case, where there are so many things that they avoid talking about for the sake of not wanting to invite more pain.
but.
isn't tamaki just holding it all by himself instead?]
... we said we'd try to be more honest, right? And we could try to hold onto the difficult things together, for as long as we can.
I don't know if I'll be able to say the right thing... and I don't want to lie to you...
But if it's something you want to tell me, I want to listen.
...we did, yes. [But at what cost? Is it worth being honest if it's just going to ruin things even more? If it's going to anger people and upset them? It's a question he's asked constantly and one he doesn't have a full answer to. The thing about it all is that he absolutely has things to say to Senri that he hasn't bothered to touch and isn't sure it's worth it. What would be the point now?
But he knows Senri will be sad if he doesn't try.
And yet...there's a subtle glance at his desk but there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary there. He's still sort of crouched down to Senri's height, staring at him for a moment before he turns his head enough to brush a kiss to his cheek.
It's still within boundaries, and yet.]
If things were different...and if I asked you to stay with me...what would you do? You...this is real, isn't it? We played pretend before, but not all of it is pretend. [It's a lot to get the words out because it's also a very silly problem to have, and it sounds like he already believes that the answer's yes and that whatever the hell happened doesn't matter, but...it'd be nice to hear it from Senri himself. For confirmation.] I would never take you away from Shishimaru-kun, but if circumstances had been different that doesn't count, right?
[their date was supposed to be a dream. a simple dream, where they got to pretend for one evening that they were together, really together, and then it would be over. they would wake up in the morning without regrets, but also without each other. and it would be fine, because they would still be together and they would still be friends. it didn't have to get more complicated than that.
but they never really got better.
and the kiss to senri's cheek surprises him, makes him blink a few times even as a blush deepens on his cheek and he has to focus to make sure that he doesn't miss tamaki's actual question.
if circumstances had been different.]
... I love Taka. [he has to say it first, because circumstances aren't different. and he and tamaki both know that. and this is the reality they have to work with.] I love him very much, and my future is with him.
[it might be cruel to state, a truth that tamaki didn't need - and yet. it feels important to steady senri as he eventually lifts his gaze to meet tamaki's]
... but if things were different...
[if taka hadn't confessed, if taka had found someone else, if senri didn't think that tamaki had turned him down originally, if tamaki had said something a little bit earlier, if if if]
... we'd have a Western-decorated house with a kotatsu somewhere by the beach, and I'd have to commute to the city to keep performing. But we'd have Antoinette, and you'd come to my performances every night to bring me a bouquet that I really don't need. We'd go on hot air balloon rides and you'd drive me crazy when you said some rich thing that I couldn't comprehend, but I still wouldn't be able to tell you no. On anything. You would be a god, and I'd be the idiot who -
[loves you]
... If things were different, I'd never want to leave you alone.
I know. [It's a firm understanding, something Tamaki instinctively knows and has always known for several weeks. Senri's love for Takaomi is the reason he doesn't tell him the full truth, the reason he doesn't disclose everything, and the reason he realizes he has to be the one to let go in the end.
"He wouldn’t have chosen to stay with you. It would be impossible."
But that's not true. It's just...not. It's not true as he knows it because if things had been different, he truly thinks the little life they'd talked about could be a reality despite knowing it wasn't fair to Senri. He thinks about it often, thinks about Haruhi and Kyoya and the twins and Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai, thinks about all of these people in relation to himself. He thinks about Hikaru who had told him to stay away, because he liked Haruhi and he didn't want Tamaki around when he confessed to her. He thinks about Takaomi and the boundaries he'd set.
But admittedly it's hard when Senri says things like this. He knows better. Senri's life has to move on with the person he loves and not a fantasy.
Yet...there's something oddly comforting about hearing the fantasy played back to him anyway.]
But things aren't different. [An echo back.] And I would never take you from Shishimaru-kun, or where you truly belong. Because taking you from someone who loves you isn't fair. [It wasn't fair when it happened to him, so why would he do such a thing?
It's unsettling, a little. His heart aches in his chest and he's blatantly aware this is a familiar feeling, but as usual he's turning a blind eye toward it. Instead, a hand come up to cradle Senri's cheek for a moment before it slips away.]
[it wouldn't have been a hard choice, senri thinks. his wish had always been to find a family, for the sake of finding someone who would love him unconditionally. but if things had turned out differently, if tamaki could have been that person, and going back to a world of strangers was the other option - he would have chosen without hesitation to stay with tamaki. even now, the idea of leaving him is difficult, and senri drags his feet to the finish line every single day -
but he has a home in a person, and that person is taka. and they'll go home, and live together, and there will be fewer bouquets, but just as much love. they would have arguments, and be imperfect, and yet it would still be everything that senri could ever need or want.
he thinks about how unbearably unfair it is.
for him to be so well-loved, so suddenly. if there was ever a moment for him to realize so intimately that relationships weren't as simple as he always treated them, it would be now.
be careful what you wish for - as they say.]
... I'm sure we would've been very happy. I'll - believe in that happily ever after, and the life where we get a chance to be in love.
[ . . . ]
But whoever gets to have you... because I'm not the end of your story - I'm sure they'll realize that they're incredibly lucky, and will give you a thousand years of happiness that I can't.
[senri's hand reaches up to brush tamaki's bangs aside, to trace the curve of his jaw, as if memorizing it before he doesn't have the chance to anymore]
... just -
Never doubt how much you mean to me, even if we have to work only with what we've been given.
[Strangely, he sort of goes tense in Senri's arms when he hears "whoever gets to have you" but he's not explaining that either because that's another landmine and he wants Senri to still love his boyfriend instead of disclosing everything Taka said to him. As it is, he leans into the hand this time and sort of watches him. His expression's mostly blank, like he's hearing the words but not quite processing them, but at the same time his eyes are open and giving him a look that can really only be described as adoration.
But it's better to leave it at that.]
I think we would have been, too. But I'm happy like this as well. So please just...[Hm.] Stay with me as long as you can. In any way that you can. We have even less time than before, but I'd rather not waste it thinking about troubling things when I could spend it creating memories with you.
[it's a little hard to miss that - as close as they are. senri pauses because - he understands the desire to want to move on. he understands wanting to be able to spend as much time together laughing and smiling as they can, when their days are truly growing numbered.
but.]
... I'll be here. We aren't going to ruin anything, and we'll have plenty of time to go out together but -
I don't... want to leave anything unresolved either.
It isn't unresolved, Senri. I just...needed to acknowledge that, I think. I don't know what the future holds or if I'll end up with anyone at all, but I've bigger goals to focus on. It's why I don't want to waste the time I have with you.
[...] I've always told you I care about you very much. Regardless of what happens, please remember that. ["Please remember that I'm here for anything. You deserve to be taken care of and loved by multiple people."]
...I made a promise to my mother long ago that I can't break now. So. We'll have fun while we can.
... last question - and then we'll go out. I bet An-chan is getting antsy.
[and he hopes that it'll be the last question, because he doesn't want anything else to hurt tamaki. he doesn't want to find any other landmines that are worrying, or things that'll cause him pain.]
Can I ask what the promise with your mother was?
[ . . . ]
If it's something I can help with, I want to. For the time that we have left together.
[ . . . of course it'd be something like that. senri just sighs quietly before shaking his head fondly and finally moving his arms from around tamaki. instead he just lets his hands run down tamaki's arms until he can find his hands, giving them a squeeze]
... okay. Then let's go and do that. If something makes you sad again, you have to let me know - preferably without me having to trick you a little next time.
[He'll hold onto Senri's hands this time at least.]
We'll see. [He's not going to be sad anymore, damnit, as long as emos stop being the way they are. But he swings their hands for a moment before there's a short grin.]
...speaking of, I do have a request of you now that I think about it.
[senri still has no idea what the emos are doing lmao rip. but that said he automatically feels better seeing tamaki smile a bit more instead of looking so tired]
[He will never find out...until the next day about Taka, at least. Still, Tamaki's holding Senri's hands and he doesn't even hesitate when Senri replies.]
I want another picture. ["Of us" is implied, but also a picture of Senri will do. The album exists for a reason. Senri may have noticed a few blank spaces in the back.]
[ . . . . ughhhhh. his expression falls as he lets go of only one (uno) of tamaki's hands and pulls out his phone from his pocket]
Tamakiiiii. You're ruining my surpriiiiise.
[but he'll at least turn his phone to show tamaki what he was pulling up once he gets to the appropriate album. it looks like this one is called 'Beauty' and inside tamaki will catch an assortment of pictures that senri's been taking. there's their original photo from the carnival, the photo that senri took of antoinette at the shrine - and a couple more. there are a few of mizuki, tamaki's most loyal follower, just having a good time at different public events. looking beautiful!! but senri also took a few of an-chan, and there's also a few selfies he might've taken with an-chan.
and he'll keep pouting even if it's clearly just for show]
... we'll take a lot more today, and I'll get them all printed before I go.
But I guess I'll have to try even harder to come up with a special gift just for you.
[??? He's just going to peer at the screen and look at what Senri's showing him.]
When did you even take some of these...? [He perks up immediately.] The photos of Antoinette are so precious! [Oh look, there goes the sad. It's gone now. He'll poke at the screen of Senri's phone to see all of the pictures possible before he turns to face him again.]
You were doing this for me? [He sounds incredibly touched at least.] I hadn't realized...
I started off taking pictures just because that's what I do with friends - and I take photos of reference for Yumapi wherever I go anyway. But... well, I thought that it'd be nice to have them all for memories too?
You have to keep it a secret but I'm gonna try to put together albums for all the gods - with pictures of their fav people that I know of - before I go. I can try to upload them onto a flash drive or something too in case you all want to print more in the future.
[and senri just laughs a little]
But you ruined the surprise for yourself... so I'll have to think of something extra for you.
....I think several of us would really appreciate that. Something tangible to hold on to despite the fact we can create things ourselves. That's very...[Sweet, actually.]
Your secret is safe with me. I promise. I can pretend to be surprised later?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[You're correct, sort of, Senri.]
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[because taka told senri not to even try to return sasuke's feelings, because he didn't want to share his boyfriend. and senri isn't about to go against that, or try anything else when it means he runs the risk of upsetting the person he loves.
. . . ]
He said... I led him on, and I bullied Taka into admitting that he liked me... but he forgives me...?
[is that what tamaki means?]
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He'll come to understand his feelings well enough with time. But until then, he has no right to be saying such things.
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senri is so confused]
Ah, it's okay... He's probably right - not that I did any of it on purpose but... I don't really... [have a reference on what love looks like] I've never...
[had someone love me before.
ugh he can't find the words he wants, or coax them out of his mouth
but he'll reach up to cup tamaki's cheek anyway]
What is this about, Tamaki...? Is it really Sasuke..?
no subject
...never mind. He was upset, it didn't really mean anything. [He thinks. He's pretty sure Sasuke just grossly misunderstood things but now Tamaki's like ??? so.] He seems to have a goal in mind now, and we'll help him reach it. But be gentle with him until the end. It's going to be difficult for him until he can find it in his heart to forgive himself.
no subject
he looks a little disappointed and hurt again but nevermind that, senri's an idiot who's been spoiled rotten]
... mm, I'll do my best.
[but
he's still searching tamaki's expression for a hint as to anything else that might've been bothering him?]
Did he say something to you...?
[tamaki's been in a fragile place, senri wouldn't be shocked if sasuke just slammed into something like a bull in a china shop]
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...I want to tell you things, but I'm afraid of ruining things and complicating them further. So. Please don't ask me things you aren't prepared to hear.
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senri pauses at that, because he understands. he understands very well how difficult it can be to talk to someone and risk burdening them with something as ugly as the truth. of course tamaki would think the same thing. and it's extra difficult in this case, where there are so many things that they avoid talking about for the sake of not wanting to invite more pain.
but.
isn't tamaki just holding it all by himself instead?]
... we said we'd try to be more honest, right? And we could try to hold onto the difficult things together, for as long as we can.
I don't know if I'll be able to say the right thing... and I don't want to lie to you...
But if it's something you want to tell me, I want to listen.
The least we can do is... try, isn't it?
[isn't that what cheri would want them to do?]
no subject
But he knows Senri will be sad if he doesn't try.
And yet...there's a subtle glance at his desk but there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary there. He's still sort of crouched down to Senri's height, staring at him for a moment before he turns his head enough to brush a kiss to his cheek.
It's still within boundaries, and yet.]
If things were different...and if I asked you to stay with me...what would you do? You...this is real, isn't it? We played pretend before, but not all of it is pretend. [It's a lot to get the words out because it's also a very silly problem to have, and it sounds like he already believes that the answer's yes and that whatever the hell happened doesn't matter, but...it'd be nice to hear it from Senri himself. For confirmation.] I would never take you away from Shishimaru-kun, but if circumstances had been different that doesn't count, right?
no subject
but they never really got better.
and the kiss to senri's cheek surprises him, makes him blink a few times even as a blush deepens on his cheek and he has to focus to make sure that he doesn't miss tamaki's actual question.
if circumstances had been different.]
... I love Taka. [he has to say it first, because circumstances aren't different. and he and tamaki both know that. and this is the reality they have to work with.] I love him very much, and my future is with him.
[it might be cruel to state, a truth that tamaki didn't need - and yet. it feels important to steady senri as he eventually lifts his gaze to meet tamaki's]
... but if things were different...
[if taka hadn't confessed, if taka had found someone else, if senri didn't think that tamaki had turned him down originally, if tamaki had said something a little bit earlier, if if if]
... we'd have a Western-decorated house with a kotatsu somewhere by the beach, and I'd have to commute to the city to keep performing. But we'd have Antoinette, and you'd come to my performances every night to bring me a bouquet that I really don't need. We'd go on hot air balloon rides and you'd drive me crazy when you said some rich thing that I couldn't comprehend, but I still wouldn't be able to tell you no. On anything. You would be a god, and I'd be the idiot who -
[loves you]
... If things were different, I'd never want to leave you alone.
no subject
"He wouldn’t have chosen to stay with you. It would be impossible."
But that's not true. It's just...not. It's not true as he knows it because if things had been different, he truly thinks the little life they'd talked about could be a reality despite knowing it wasn't fair to Senri. He thinks about it often, thinks about Haruhi and Kyoya and the twins and Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai, thinks about all of these people in relation to himself. He thinks about Hikaru who had told him to stay away, because he liked Haruhi and he didn't want Tamaki around when he confessed to her. He thinks about Takaomi and the boundaries he'd set.
But admittedly it's hard when Senri says things like this. He knows better. Senri's life has to move on with the person he loves and not a fantasy.
Yet...there's something oddly comforting about hearing the fantasy played back to him anyway.]
But things aren't different. [An echo back.] And I would never take you from Shishimaru-kun, or where you truly belong. Because taking you from someone who loves you isn't fair. [It wasn't fair when it happened to him, so why would he do such a thing?
It's unsettling, a little. His heart aches in his chest and he's blatantly aware this is a familiar feeling, but as usual he's turning a blind eye toward it. Instead, a hand come up to cradle Senri's cheek for a moment before it slips away.]
...thank you for choosing me in another life.
no subject
but he has a home in a person, and that person is taka. and they'll go home, and live together, and there will be fewer bouquets, but just as much love. they would have arguments, and be imperfect, and yet it would still be everything that senri could ever need or want.
he thinks about how unbearably unfair it is.
for him to be so well-loved, so suddenly. if there was ever a moment for him to realize so intimately that relationships weren't as simple as he always treated them, it would be now.
be careful what you wish for - as they say.]
... I'm sure we would've been very happy. I'll - believe in that happily ever after, and the life where we get a chance to be in love.
[ . . . ]
But whoever gets to have you... because I'm not the end of your story - I'm sure they'll realize that they're incredibly lucky, and will give you a thousand years of happiness that I can't.
[senri's hand reaches up to brush tamaki's bangs aside, to trace the curve of his jaw, as if memorizing it before he doesn't have the chance to anymore]
... just -
Never doubt how much you mean to me, even if we have to work only with what we've been given.
[a limited capacity, a limited amount of time]
no subject
But it's better to leave it at that.]
I think we would have been, too. But I'm happy like this as well. So please just...[Hm.] Stay with me as long as you can. In any way that you can. We have even less time than before, but I'd rather not waste it thinking about troubling things when I could spend it creating memories with you.
no subject
... Tamaki....
[it's a little hard to miss that - as close as they are. senri pauses because - he understands the desire to want to move on. he understands wanting to be able to spend as much time together laughing and smiling as they can, when their days are truly growing numbered.
but.]
... I'll be here. We aren't going to ruin anything, and we'll have plenty of time to go out together but -
I don't... want to leave anything unresolved either.
[if there's something else]
no subject
[...] I've always told you I care about you very much. Regardless of what happens, please remember that. ["Please remember that I'm here for anything. You deserve to be taken care of and loved by multiple people."]
...I made a promise to my mother long ago that I can't break now. So. We'll have fun while we can.
no subject
[and he hopes that it'll be the last question, because he doesn't want anything else to hurt tamaki. he doesn't want to find any other landmines that are worrying, or things that'll cause him pain.]
Can I ask what the promise with your mother was?
[ . . . ]
If it's something I can help with, I want to. For the time that we have left together.
no subject
[It's the gist of it, anyway. And it's why Tamaki refuses to linger on sadness, ever.]
no subject
... okay. Then let's go and do that. If something makes you sad again, you have to let me know - preferably without me having to trick you a little next time.
But... for today, we can go and have fun now.
I miss your smile too.
no subject
We'll see. [He's not going to be sad anymore, damnit, as long as emos stop being the way they are. But he swings their hands for a moment before there's a short grin.]
...speaking of, I do have a request of you now that I think about it.
no subject
Name it and it's yours.
[HE'LL DO IT WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT IT IS]
no subject
I want another picture. ["Of us" is implied, but also a picture of Senri will do. The album exists for a reason. Senri may have noticed a few blank spaces in the back.]
no subject
Tamakiiiii. You're ruining my surpriiiiise.
[but he'll at least turn his phone to show tamaki what he was pulling up once he gets to the appropriate album. it looks like this one is called 'Beauty' and inside tamaki will catch an assortment of pictures that senri's been taking. there's their original photo from the carnival, the photo that senri took of antoinette at the shrine - and a couple more. there are a few of mizuki, tamaki's most loyal follower, just having a good time at different public events. looking beautiful!! but senri also took a few of an-chan, and there's also a few selfies he might've taken with an-chan.
and he'll keep pouting even if it's clearly just for show]
... we'll take a lot more today, and I'll get them all printed before I go.
But I guess I'll have to try even harder to come up with a special gift just for you.
no subject
When did you even take some of these...? [He perks up immediately.] The photos of Antoinette are so precious! [Oh look, there goes the sad. It's gone now. He'll poke at the screen of Senri's phone to see all of the pictures possible before he turns to face him again.]
You were doing this for me? [He sounds incredibly touched at least.] I hadn't realized...
no subject
You have to keep it a secret but I'm gonna try to put together albums for all the gods - with pictures of their fav people that I know of - before I go. I can try to upload them onto a flash drive or something too in case you all want to print more in the future.
[and senri just laughs a little]
But you ruined the surprise for yourself... so I'll have to think of something extra for you.
no subject
Your secret is safe with me. I promise. I can pretend to be surprised later?
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