but affection is something that senri knows. affection is something that senri melts into, even now. when tamaki comes up to meet him, he feels relief flood his system in every single direction, and he lets himself be held onto tightly if only for the reminder that there's someone who cares about him that much. he's overwhelmed here - he always is - and he just clings on in return. he buries his face in tamaki's shoulder too and -
manages the world's weakest laugh against him]
.... sorry for always asking you to take care of me.
[Eventually Tamaki will need to stop kneeling but he's not moving anytime soon. The only reason he seems to realize that Senri will reciprocate is because they're very similar people. They're both worried about losing one another, and even though Tamaki's already lost him that's zero excuse to stop trying.
It doesn't hurt any less, but that's fine.]
Are you aware that you've never asked...? [Senri has never really asked for anything out of asking Tamaki to keep some secrets, but Tamaki's the one who offered first. Tamaki's the one who reached out and dug under Senri's skin, tried to learn about the person beyond the persona and found himself looking in a mirror. Somehow the apology seems very stupid and even while Tamaki blinks away his own tears he doesn't lift his head.]
I told someone... if all I relied on were verbal cues, I'd be the world's worst actor. Maybe I've never asked out loud but....
[there's been plenty of times where he's needed tamaki, and showed up, and expected comfort or answers or - anything. even now, he admitted something embarrassing and painfully sincere and got what he wanted as a result. he thinks about how selfish he is, to keep asking silently for comfort from someone who will always give it to him. for whatever reason.
and he closes his eyes as he leans against tamaki's hold]
... you're way too nice, to be spoiling a dumb rabbit who keeps making mistakes.
The world doesn't always have to be a stage. So why always act?
[It's a gentle, casual question and not an accusation because Tamaki's just as big of an actor as Senri is sometimes. They're not moving and this is maybe useless when the game will continue and people will continue to die...but at least there's maybe hope to try and fix things.]
Senri. Why do you suppose that is? [Why does Tamaki continue to spoil him, he means.]
and there are a lot of issues to be unpacked behind both - senri thinks he has an answer for the first one, but the second takes precedent even as he delays his answer by just accepting this moment where tamaki holds him.]
.... I don't know....
[it's a quiet answer, but honest]
People here still care about me - you still care about me... even though you know I'm a liar... and I don't always know what to say....
[The arms wind tighter, and Tamaki pauses before he begins to speak in a quiet, still voice.]
...in the old life, there was someone who stepped into my life on accident. She pretended to be a boy, and she has posed as a boy for almost a full year despite the club members knowing the truth. She plays pretend with the rest of us, and she's a natural host. She's...very smart, but very hard to reach. Independent and yet naive in some ways of the world because of it. A commoner trying to understand how to fit into our world and how to let us into hers.
And we kept her secret for her. We've kept secrets from her and for her and though she protests club events sometimes and makes things more complicated when she won't listen to me as her father...and though she doesn't always know what to say, or how to behave...and though she has never had people to rely on the way we wish for her to rely on us...we try.
You...make me feel the same even though you're very different people. Like her, you deserve a chance to be taken care of instead of taking care of yourself. [And that's, perhaps, as much of a confession as he can muster.]
[senri listens carefully even as he leans against tamaki, letting the other hold him close as senri accepts the story. he thinks he can figure out who tamaki is talking about, from the portraits that hang in his room. those people are probably his host club, the family that he made for himself. he hears the way that tamaki says that this girl won't listen to him as her father - and laughs just a little bit.
their relationship is sweet. and traitorously, a little chord of jealousy strikes - minutely, but not for long. at least, not long once he remembers that tamaki is not his to be jealous over.
(the heart is such a treacherous thing.)]
... she sounds really cute. I think we'd get along.
[he's always looking for other commoners tbh,, though he's also going to think about that explanation, quiet as he lets it ruminate.]
I guess I just thought... it'd always be just me... I'm still surprised - at how it feels, to not be alone. To have people like you know who I am... and not look away.
[Considering they're in his room and the portrait of Haruhi is right in eyesight yes, it's not hard. Tamaki doesn't say anything about that in particular and simply uses the story to prove a point, despite how much his heart aches for his former life some days.
It aches, but at least he'll remember them and love them and know they loved him, mostly.]
She's very much like Shishimaru-kun in a way. Practical. Loyal. Blunt. [And insulting, but Tamaki saw parallels between Takaomi and Kyoya, too.] But sometimes hard to crack open. If anyone could get to her, I imagine it'd be you.
[A sigh.] ...though the sun may be hard to look at directly, the warmth it radiates encourages people to come closer. It's hard to want to shy away after you've experienced something so bright.
[Senri's true self is apparently the sun. So that's how that's going, and yet somehow he sounds sincere about that.]
[this is not how it should be going - and senri can't help but laugh a little bit when tamaki compares this girl to taka. it's a little weird, and he thinks again about how he'd like to meet her but then.
tamaki says that.
and senri pauses - just long enough to lift his head so he can try to look tamaki in the face. his expression is unhappy - not particularly mad, but contemplative. worried.]
.... but I'm hurting you too, aren't I....
[given everything,]
And... I don't know if you'd be willing to tell me if I am....
[Senri and Haruhi could be friends, he thinks. They're the same age just about and Haruhi puts up with the host club well enough. It's a confusing little time but that's something to reflect on later.
Senri pulls away and Tamaki lifts his head just enough to look at him, expression nothing short of fragile despite the smile he's trying to keep up.]
Please don't worry about that. [No, he should maybe be honest if Senri's being honest. But...] ...are you happy with him?
[senri wonders if it's polite to think about it, to hesitate. but the thing is that he... doesn't have to. he wonders that for only a second before he answers - ]
... I am. He's always... endured me more than anyone else.
[now that they can talk about him without ruining the illusion of their date, and senri can be honest about his feelings]
... but I'm always going to worry about you. I don't want to let you think that I won't.
I know. [Calmly. Clearly. He was never under the illusion that Senri wouldn't care about him even with Takaomi in the picture.]
I'm sorry I didn't realize your feelings for him sooner. [No, shut up, Tamaki.] Is it...I don't want to play pretend anymore because I don't think it's fair now, given the circumstances, but...is it selfish to say I dread the end of our time together?
[Like. Two weeks from now. Not right this moment.]
[ . . . . and senri is back to clinging, because of course he is. he doesn't want to answer for a little bit because - ]
Cheri told me... that he doesn't want me to leave this place with any regrets. About things that I could've said, or what I should've done, or time that I could've had with.... [you] - people.
[he thinks about a different story that could've unfolded - where a stage actor met the president of a host club after a performance in tokyo, where everything could've ended much more happily than what they have in front of them]
... I don't think that's selfish.
I... know I have to go home but at the same time - I don't want to leave you.
Sincerity has never lived a life wanting regrets to linger. I don't think a life should have regrets either or things left unsaid. There's nothing worse than being left wondering until the end of time.
[Speaking from experience...but he takes a breath.]
...you have to. You know that and I know that because that's how things are. I wish things were different, but perhaps this is what people mean when they say people can be starcrossed.
[Starcrossed lovers and all that, though maybe it's not the same.] Do you regret other things in this place?
... I told someone - that starcrossed is a reeeaaally cute, romantic trope in fiction. I like it a lot.... but I think I like it a lot less when it feels like it's happening to me.
[if that's something that he can say to tamaki - if he's reading his feelings correctly this time, instead of guessing wrong before. even now he knows this is the most sensible, the most responsible. he won't be going home with anyone besides taka and he can't ask anyone to abandon theirs for him -
.... and he sighs a little bit.]
I only regret... the people I'm not able to save, or help. The fact that I don't even know entirely what I'm doing, or if I'm making any difference at all....
But I... while we're here, I'm... still grateful for everyone I get to meet.
I don't like it very much either. [So...yeah. Maybe he's reading them correct this time and Tamaki can acknowledge them even if he doesn't understand how or why. He's always been bad at that.]
Never regret that when you've tried your best and continue to try your best. You've made a great difference for a number of people whether you realize it or not. It shows in the spread of information and the way people other than myself have come to trust you.
...I can only wish that even with everything, at the end of this you'll manage to find some happy memories to take away from this even among the tragedies.
[ . . . hah. he'd known for a little while, somewhere in his chest, that maybe tamaki felt the same. it had been incubating in his mind since the end of their date - and for some reason the confirmation doesn't make anything easier. it helps when logic overrules and senri knows that they wouldn't be able to work out -
.... but hadn't they just said that sometimes knowing something doesn't ease the feelings at all?]
.... of course I will.
[and he offers up a soft smile at that, pulling away just enough to look up at tamaki]
I got to play house with Ogou-san. I've met Madopyon, who is a friend that I want to keep forever. Sasuke made me dinner and dessert. Guy-san and Luke-kun both learned more about technology. Zo wants to visit Tokyo. Cheri and I went to a carnival - I took Justice too. I got to introduce a lot of people to things that made them happy.
[ . . . ]
I got to enjoy a really fun dream, with a really charming prince, and even now he shows me kindness.
.... today was hard, but -
Even if there isn't a happy ending, there can still be a wonderful story.
[He doesn't immediately reply, but as Senri pulls back Tamaki sits up just enough to kiss his forehead again just because it's his room and he's allowed a few secrets of his own.]
Those are all wonderful experiences that I hope you hold onto for a long time. Things that will get you through the next few weeks. ..it's those experiences and conversations with people that help guide you to an answer of who you are and who you wish to be. I think you're still turning out to be a wonderful person, and happy endings are really all in how you look at it.
senri blinks at the kiss, and the blood rushes to his face so fast that he nearly misses what tamaki actually said. he ducks his head as if that'll manage to hide the blush that rushes all the way up to his ears, touched and embarrassed as he is.
. . . ]
.... I want to listen to you - so.... I will.
Um - [he's trying really hard to make words work in his brain] .... I hope I can be the person that you think I am.
[Cute...Tamaki seems pleased with himself and smiles a little because it's adorable the way he responds. Is it fair since Senri has a boyfriend? Perhaps not...but it's just friendly at this point. Maybe.
He doesn't know, but maybe he doesn't have to know. They only have a few weeks anyway.]
You've succeeded so far. [His hand cups Senri's cheek, fully focused on him and pulling the prince persona all over again even if the smile is a bit too genuine.] More than that, I hope you can be the person you are for me for other people who wish to know.
[ . . . if yuma did this, would senri be okay with it? if yuma gave him a kiss on the head, and cupped his cheek, would senri be okay with it? or more - if senri did this to yuma, would it make him feel guilty over taka? .... and senri decides that he wouldn't, so it's alright.
it's affectionate, but so is beauty. senri will lean into the touch like the affection-starved idiot that he is, and even though his face feels flushed, he offers up a soft smile.
honesty is hard. he's been able to be completely honest with very few people. only the number that he can count on one hand, but.]
... mm. I'll - see what I can do.
[but even so he knows it's hard - because opening up to gods who already know everything about him was easy, and opening up to tamaki was always even easier than that.]
... please watch over me, and tell me how well I manage.
[Cool, that just means Tamaki won't be letting go just yet. His thumb brushes over Senri's cheek just a little bit, the smile reflective on his own features when it appears.]
I will. I've always watched over you, haven't I? [Probably more than Senri knows. Tamaki tends to watch over his followers and Senri himself, knowing what happens to them in this place. That won't change anytime soon.]
...you'll have to go back soon, won't you? For the evening. [Back to Takaomi.]
[senri blinks in surprise at the question, but chooses to answer honestly:]
I went to take care of Taka first. [so he did that earlier, and made sure that Taka, before anyone else, was okay. because at the end of the day, he's dating Taka, and he's loyal, and he'd do anything for him. he knows that it's best if he and Tamaki know that.
. . . that said.]
.... I do need to go back eventually -
But do you want me to stay with you a little longer?
[because they're friends. and because no matter how weird it is, if tamaki wants senri to stay with him, senri will do that too. because he's bad at leaving anyone, most of all tamaki, alone.]
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but affection is something that senri knows. affection is something that senri melts into, even now. when tamaki comes up to meet him, he feels relief flood his system in every single direction, and he lets himself be held onto tightly if only for the reminder that there's someone who cares about him that much. he's overwhelmed here - he always is - and he just clings on in return. he buries his face in tamaki's shoulder too and -
manages the world's weakest laugh against him]
.... sorry for always asking you to take care of me.
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It doesn't hurt any less, but that's fine.]
Are you aware that you've never asked...? [Senri has never really asked for anything out of asking Tamaki to keep some secrets, but Tamaki's the one who offered first. Tamaki's the one who reached out and dug under Senri's skin, tried to learn about the person beyond the persona and found himself looking in a mirror. Somehow the apology seems very stupid and even while Tamaki blinks away his own tears he doesn't lift his head.]
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I told someone... if all I relied on were verbal cues, I'd be the world's worst actor. Maybe I've never asked out loud but....
[there's been plenty of times where he's needed tamaki, and showed up, and expected comfort or answers or - anything. even now, he admitted something embarrassing and painfully sincere and got what he wanted as a result. he thinks about how selfish he is, to keep asking silently for comfort from someone who will always give it to him. for whatever reason.
and he closes his eyes as he leans against tamaki's hold]
... you're way too nice, to be spoiling a dumb rabbit who keeps making mistakes.
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[It's a gentle, casual question and not an accusation because Tamaki's just as big of an actor as Senri is sometimes. They're not moving and this is maybe useless when the game will continue and people will continue to die...but at least there's maybe hope to try and fix things.]
Senri. Why do you suppose that is? [Why does Tamaki continue to spoil him, he means.]
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and there are a lot of issues to be unpacked behind both - senri thinks he has an answer for the first one, but the second takes precedent even as he delays his answer by just accepting this moment where tamaki holds him.]
.... I don't know....
[it's a quiet answer, but honest]
People here still care about me - you still care about me... even though you know I'm a liar... and I don't always know what to say....
I've never... [had that before and so - ]
I can't figure out why.
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...in the old life, there was someone who stepped into my life on accident. She pretended to be a boy, and she has posed as a boy for almost a full year despite the club members knowing the truth. She plays pretend with the rest of us, and she's a natural host. She's...very smart, but very hard to reach. Independent and yet naive in some ways of the world because of it. A commoner trying to understand how to fit into our world and how to let us into hers.
And we kept her secret for her. We've kept secrets from her and for her and though she protests club events sometimes and makes things more complicated when she won't listen to me as her father...and though she doesn't always know what to say, or how to behave...and though she has never had people to rely on the way we wish for her to rely on us...we try.
You...make me feel the same even though you're very different people. Like her, you deserve a chance to be taken care of instead of taking care of yourself. [And that's, perhaps, as much of a confession as he can muster.]
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their relationship is sweet. and traitorously, a little chord of jealousy strikes - minutely, but not for long. at least, not long once he remembers that tamaki is not his to be jealous over.
(the heart is such a treacherous thing.)]
... she sounds really cute. I think we'd get along.
[he's always looking for other commoners tbh,, though he's also going to think about that explanation, quiet as he lets it ruminate.]
I guess I just thought... it'd always be just me... I'm still surprised - at how it feels, to not be alone. To have people like you know who I am... and not look away.
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It aches, but at least he'll remember them and love them and know they loved him, mostly.]
She's very much like Shishimaru-kun in a way. Practical. Loyal. Blunt. [And insulting, but Tamaki saw parallels between Takaomi and Kyoya, too.] But sometimes hard to crack open. If anyone could get to her, I imagine it'd be you.
[A sigh.] ...though the sun may be hard to look at directly, the warmth it radiates encourages people to come closer. It's hard to want to shy away after you've experienced something so bright.
[Senri's true self is apparently the sun. So that's how that's going, and yet somehow he sounds sincere about that.]
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tamaki says that.
and senri pauses - just long enough to lift his head so he can try to look tamaki in the face. his expression is unhappy - not particularly mad, but contemplative. worried.]
.... but I'm hurting you too, aren't I....
[given everything,]
And... I don't know if you'd be willing to tell me if I am....
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Senri pulls away and Tamaki lifts his head just enough to look at him, expression nothing short of fragile despite the smile he's trying to keep up.]
Please don't worry about that. [No, he should maybe be honest if Senri's being honest. But...] ...are you happy with him?
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... I am. He's always... endured me more than anyone else.
[now that they can talk about him without ruining the illusion of their date, and senri can be honest about his feelings]
... but I'm always going to worry about you. I don't want to let you think that I won't.
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I'm sorry I didn't realize your feelings for him sooner. [No, shut up, Tamaki.] Is it...I don't want to play pretend anymore because I don't think it's fair now, given the circumstances, but...is it selfish to say I dread the end of our time together?
[Like. Two weeks from now. Not right this moment.]
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Cheri told me... that he doesn't want me to leave this place with any regrets. About things that I could've said, or what I should've done, or time that I could've had with.... [you] - people.
[he thinks about a different story that could've unfolded - where a stage actor met the president of a host club after a performance in tokyo, where everything could've ended much more happily than what they have in front of them]
... I don't think that's selfish.
I... know I have to go home but at the same time - I don't want to leave you.
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[Speaking from experience...but he takes a breath.]
...you have to. You know that and I know that because that's how things are. I wish things were different, but perhaps this is what people mean when they say people can be starcrossed.
[Starcrossed lovers and all that, though maybe it's not the same.] Do you regret other things in this place?
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[if that's something that he can say to tamaki - if he's reading his feelings correctly this time, instead of guessing wrong before. even now he knows this is the most sensible, the most responsible. he won't be going home with anyone besides taka and he can't ask anyone to abandon theirs for him -
.... and he sighs a little bit.]
I only regret... the people I'm not able to save, or help. The fact that I don't even know entirely what I'm doing, or if I'm making any difference at all....
But I... while we're here, I'm... still grateful for everyone I get to meet.
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Never regret that when you've tried your best and continue to try your best. You've made a great difference for a number of people whether you realize it or not. It shows in the spread of information and the way people other than myself have come to trust you.
...I can only wish that even with everything, at the end of this you'll manage to find some happy memories to take away from this even among the tragedies.
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.... but hadn't they just said that sometimes knowing something doesn't ease the feelings at all?]
.... of course I will.
[and he offers up a soft smile at that, pulling away just enough to look up at tamaki]
I got to play house with Ogou-san. I've met Madopyon, who is a friend that I want to keep forever. Sasuke made me dinner and dessert. Guy-san and Luke-kun both learned more about technology. Zo wants to visit Tokyo. Cheri and I went to a carnival - I took Justice too. I got to introduce a lot of people to things that made them happy.
[ . . . ]
I got to enjoy a really fun dream, with a really charming prince, and even now he shows me kindness.
.... today was hard, but -
Even if there isn't a happy ending, there can still be a wonderful story.
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Those are all wonderful experiences that I hope you hold onto for a long time. Things that will get you through the next few weeks. ..it's those experiences and conversations with people that help guide you to an answer of who you are and who you wish to be. I think you're still turning out to be a wonderful person, and happy endings are really all in how you look at it.
But perhaps that's just me.
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senri blinks at the kiss, and the blood rushes to his face so fast that he nearly misses what tamaki actually said. he ducks his head as if that'll manage to hide the blush that rushes all the way up to his ears, touched and embarrassed as he is.
. . . ]
.... I want to listen to you - so.... I will.
Um - [he's trying really hard to make words work in his brain] .... I hope I can be the person that you think I am.
[he has an expectation to reach now]
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He doesn't know, but maybe he doesn't have to know. They only have a few weeks anyway.]
You've succeeded so far. [His hand cups Senri's cheek, fully focused on him and pulling the prince persona all over again even if the smile is a bit too genuine.] More than that, I hope you can be the person you are for me for other people who wish to know.
[i.e. being honest.]
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it's affectionate, but so is beauty. senri will lean into the touch like the affection-starved idiot that he is, and even though his face feels flushed, he offers up a soft smile.
honesty is hard. he's been able to be completely honest with very few people. only the number that he can count on one hand, but.]
... mm. I'll - see what I can do.
[but even so he knows it's hard - because opening up to gods who already know everything about him was easy, and opening up to tamaki was always even easier than that.]
... please watch over me, and tell me how well I manage.
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I will. I've always watched over you, haven't I? [Probably more than Senri knows. Tamaki tends to watch over his followers and Senri himself, knowing what happens to them in this place. That won't change anytime soon.]
...you'll have to go back soon, won't you? For the evening. [Back to Takaomi.]
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I went to take care of Taka first. [so he did that earlier, and made sure that Taka, before anyone else, was okay. because at the end of the day, he's dating Taka, and he's loyal, and he'd do anything for him. he knows that it's best if he and Tamaki know that.
. . . that said.]
.... I do need to go back eventually -
But do you want me to stay with you a little longer?
[because they're friends. and because no matter how weird it is, if tamaki wants senri to stay with him, senri will do that too. because he's bad at leaving anyone, most of all tamaki, alone.]
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…just for a little while? The company is nice.
[i.e. he's lonely, please send help.]
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Come here, An-chan! I think Tama-chin deserves some love and care, don't you?
[and he turns back to Tamaki with a smile]
I do have people to take care of - yourself included. I think I owe you quite a debt, you know? So I'd like to start to make up for that.
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