senri pauses - considers lying, and... remembers a promise. so he just closes his eye for a moment before opening it, answering]
... I thought it was either Ludger and Estelle, or Catra and Entrapta who hurt Ray-kun.
[his brow furrows in guilt, but he faces Sean anyway]
I... They told me they were going after the other two, but I couldn't stop them. Sasuke wouldn't listen to me, but... I think part of it was because I was so upset about Ray-kun, and couldn't let it go.
[His voice breaks, and he brings his hands up to cover his eyes.]
I don't know what I'm feeling! I've never...had this feeling! Why should anyone get to decide that one life is worth more than another? Why can some people kill someone and be forgiven, but other people are hurt over, and over, and over?
[Sean shakes his head.]
I don't understand...I don't understand! Zoe and Ray were my friends, Entrapta was my friend, Newt was my friend, Guy is my friend! But people keep deciding to hurt some of them for the sake of others. Is that okay? Is that justice?
and he gently reaches out to pull sean into a loose hug. he can pull away if he wants, but senri pulls him right into his chest, keeps him close if he'll let him]
.... it's hard, right? It's hard, to deal with all of this. [he's soft as he says it, kissing the top of sean's head as he holds him] It's hard to say, what's right and what's wrong. I... I'm wondering that too. If it was right to keep looking for who hurt Ray-kun. If it's right, to treat Guy-san the way we do.
I wish it was as simple as saying yes or no, Seanbon. I really wish I did.
But what you're feeling right now - whatever it is, even if we don't know what to call it... it's okay. If you need to feel it. If you need to snap some pencils, or cry, or time to yourself.
I'm here, for whatever you need. As long as you need. Even if it's just a hand to hold.
[For an instant, he tenses, and it seems like Sean is going to pull away, but as much as he shakes, the pain and the loneliness is just as bad as the anger, and he can't seem to bring himself to push himself away.]
Piety s-says that...that good people do bad things sometimes, not always for bad reasons. Or sometimes, they can be led astray. That punishing shouldn't be as important as giving the opportunity for growth. That's...the kind of justice I want. Why does it feel like nobody listens to either of us?
[He hiccups and sobs, but it's a tearless noise.]
You understand, don't you? That I...I was never human.
[for as long as sean stays close, senri will hold onto him. he'll rub his back, run his fingers through his hair, going through every soothing motion that he can hope to for a young boy. he thinks about - what if he was in this situation? what if he wanted comfort and -
the funny thing is that it's yet to be provided, if only because senri hasn't allowed himself to break down in the same way. he has no reference.
he has to be real.]
... you don't have to be human for me to love you, Seanbon. You don't have to be human, to feel the way that you do. It's... It's not that simple. I'm sorry. I wish it was.
But... sometimes people only have what they know. Ogou-san, Guy-san, Sasuke... I think they all come from places, lives a lot more violent than what I know. Sometimes they might default to those things, even if they hurt people. Even if they... they could do something else.
I don't know if that makes it right.
But... sometimes it's what makes them alive, to make mistakes, that they have to grow from too.
I've never questioned the way that you feel about me. All of you have been...amazing. I've felt happier than I've ever known before. But it was different with Entrapta, because it wasn't just that she didn't mind what I was or didn't see me differently, but she...
[He blinks rapidly against Senri's chest.]
She saw me as something incredible. As something beyond my own imagination, unique without being different. And I...I always felt like, even if people accepted about me or cared about me, I was still something incomplete. I couldn't like myself. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated everything about who and what I was and why I was the way that I was.
[Desperately, he looks up at Senri's face.]
This whole time she worked on this for me. She said I didn't need it, but she was so honored that I let her do something that was this important to me. So I could feel...I could see who I'd always known I was on the inside.
[ . . . senri's heart breaks - and he has so many questions. that's been his problem this entire game. this sense of a bleeding heart, the eagerness to forgive everyone. he's not sure where it comes from, when he's entirely aware of how twisted his feelings can be. how cruel he can be, to people that he doesn't care for. newt. luna. there's been no concern for them. even now - as much as he liked entrapta, he didn't like her at all when he found out that she was the one who hurt ray, who took his friend from him.
but.]
She... gave you this... [and he runs his hand through sean's hair again, lets a hand fall on his cheek as his breath stutters] ... Seanbon...
[and senri blinks away his own tears then]
She's right. You never needed this. You were never incomplete. And... I'm sorry - that I never realized that you felt that way, because you've always been perfect the way that you are.
... I'm sorry that you lost a friend like that. We'll have to tell her a thousand thank yous when she comes back - for what she did for you.
[even if it doesn't take away what she did to ray and - senri's heart swirls with uncertainty, with confusion. it doesn't show on his face but sean's question repeats in his ears
Thanks, Senri. Thank you for listening. It's just really hard...when one person that you love is the reason that someone else you love is in a coffin.
[But he finally, properly hugs Senri back.]
I know you've been hurting, too, really badly. I could never be mad at you, and I'll love you no matter what. I just wish things were different. The lab is so empty, now.
[It used to be such a popular place. Now it's just him and Hiro, sometimes. Guy's always being supervised, which makes Connor busy...]
[ . . . . and senri will just hug him closer, quiet for a moment as he lets his face rest in sean's hair. he hums softly.]
... people might need to talk to each other more. I didn't know that she did this for you and - I don't know if Sasuke did either.
It's hard and I don't... I don't want to act like just because everyone will come back at the end means that any of this will be okay. But when they do, we can have a big party in here. I'll invite Taka and Sasuke in here more too, so we can all play together. You should come when we play video games. I think you'd like it.
[ . . . ]
Do you want me to have him talk to you? I think... you might need to see each other, even if it isn't easy. Because he loves you so, so much, Seanbon. Maybe even as much as I do.
I think if he wants to talk to me...he should do it himself. If he doesn't want to face me, that's...his choice.
[But he can't help sounding sad.]
I asked him earlier this week to try and be her friend. It was because of all that she'd done for me. I knew...that she needed them. She needed people to believe in.
[ . . . and senri will just quietly kiss the top of sean's head]
Okay. I'll talk to him. Just... I don't want anything to happen to him, even if he... Just one more week, right Seanbon? Just one more week of difficult things like this.
[ah... he hopes it'll get better.]
... yeah. I thought that too. I'll... have to ask her why she did what she did - but I don't want to hate her either.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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senri pauses - considers lying, and... remembers a promise. so he just closes his eye for a moment before opening it, answering]
... I thought it was either Ludger and Estelle, or Catra and Entrapta who hurt Ray-kun.
[his brow furrows in guilt, but he faces Sean anyway]
I... They told me they were going after the other two, but I couldn't stop them. Sasuke wouldn't listen to me, but... I think part of it was because I was so upset about Ray-kun, and couldn't let it go.
... I'm sorry, Seanbon.
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[His fist clenches around the pencil he's holding, and he doesn't mean to, but it snaps in half. Startled, he stands to go get a different one.]
But so was Entrapta.
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.... mm.
[he'll reach a hand out, to set it on sean's shoulder lightly]
It's okay, if you're mad. I understand if you're mad at me.
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[His voice breaks, and he brings his hands up to cover his eyes.]
I don't know what I'm feeling! I've never...had this feeling! Why should anyone get to decide that one life is worth more than another? Why can some people kill someone and be forgiven, but other people are hurt over, and over, and over?
[Sean shakes his head.]
I don't understand...I don't understand! Zoe and Ray were my friends, Entrapta was my friend, Newt was my friend, Guy is my friend! But people keep deciding to hurt some of them for the sake of others. Is that okay? Is that justice?
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and he gently reaches out to pull sean into a loose hug. he can pull away if he wants, but senri pulls him right into his chest, keeps him close if he'll let him]
.... it's hard, right? It's hard, to deal with all of this. [he's soft as he says it, kissing the top of sean's head as he holds him] It's hard to say, what's right and what's wrong. I... I'm wondering that too. If it was right to keep looking for who hurt Ray-kun. If it's right, to treat Guy-san the way we do.
I wish it was as simple as saying yes or no, Seanbon. I really wish I did.
But what you're feeling right now - whatever it is, even if we don't know what to call it... it's okay. If you need to feel it. If you need to snap some pencils, or cry, or time to yourself.
I'm here, for whatever you need. As long as you need. Even if it's just a hand to hold.
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[For an instant, he tenses, and it seems like Sean is going to pull away, but as much as he shakes, the pain and the loneliness is just as bad as the anger, and he can't seem to bring himself to push himself away.]
Piety s-says that...that good people do bad things sometimes, not always for bad reasons. Or sometimes, they can be led astray. That punishing shouldn't be as important as giving the opportunity for growth. That's...the kind of justice I want. Why does it feel like nobody listens to either of us?
[He hiccups and sobs, but it's a tearless noise.]
You understand, don't you? That I...I was never human.
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the funny thing is that it's yet to be provided, if only because senri hasn't allowed himself to break down in the same way. he has no reference.
he has to be real.]
... you don't have to be human for me to love you, Seanbon. You don't have to be human, to feel the way that you do. It's... It's not that simple. I'm sorry. I wish it was.
But... sometimes people only have what they know. Ogou-san, Guy-san, Sasuke... I think they all come from places, lives a lot more violent than what I know. Sometimes they might default to those things, even if they hurt people. Even if they... they could do something else.
I don't know if that makes it right.
But... sometimes it's what makes them alive, to make mistakes, that they have to grow from too.
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[Sean goes still.]
I've never questioned the way that you feel about me. All of you have been...amazing. I've felt happier than I've ever known before. But it was different with Entrapta, because it wasn't just that she didn't mind what I was or didn't see me differently, but she...
[He blinks rapidly against Senri's chest.]
She saw me as something incredible. As something beyond my own imagination, unique without being different. And I...I always felt like, even if people accepted about me or cared about me, I was still something incomplete. I couldn't like myself. I hated looking in the mirror. I hated everything about who and what I was and why I was the way that I was.
[Desperately, he looks up at Senri's face.]
This whole time she worked on this for me. She said I didn't need it, but she was so honored that I let her do something that was this important to me. So I could feel...I could see who I'd always known I was on the inside.
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but.]
She... gave you this... [and he runs his hand through sean's hair again, lets a hand fall on his cheek as his breath stutters] ... Seanbon...
[and senri blinks away his own tears then]
She's right. You never needed this. You were never incomplete. And... I'm sorry - that I never realized that you felt that way, because you've always been perfect the way that you are.
... I'm sorry that you lost a friend like that. We'll have to tell her a thousand thank yous when she comes back - for what she did for you.
[even if it doesn't take away what she did to ray and - senri's heart swirls with uncertainty, with confusion. it doesn't show on his face but sean's question repeats in his ears
is this justice?]
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Thanks, Senri. Thank you for listening. It's just really hard...when one person that you love is the reason that someone else you love is in a coffin.
[But he finally, properly hugs Senri back.]
I know you've been hurting, too, really badly. I could never be mad at you, and I'll love you no matter what. I just wish things were different. The lab is so empty, now.
[It used to be such a popular place. Now it's just him and Hiro, sometimes. Guy's always being supervised, which makes Connor busy...]
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... people might need to talk to each other more. I didn't know that she did this for you and - I don't know if Sasuke did either.
It's hard and I don't... I don't want to act like just because everyone will come back at the end means that any of this will be okay. But when they do, we can have a big party in here. I'll invite Taka and Sasuke in here more too, so we can all play together. You should come when we play video games. I think you'd like it.
[ . . . ]
Do you want me to have him talk to you? I think... you might need to see each other, even if it isn't easy. Because he loves you so, so much, Seanbon. Maybe even as much as I do.
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[But he can't help sounding sad.]
I asked him earlier this week to try and be her friend. It was because of all that she'd done for me. I knew...that she needed them. She needed people to believe in.
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Okay. I'll talk to him. Just... I don't want anything to happen to him, even if he... Just one more week, right Seanbon? Just one more week of difficult things like this.
[ah... he hopes it'll get better.]
... yeah. I thought that too. I'll... have to ask her why she did what she did - but I don't want to hate her either.
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[Looking up again, he breaks the hug just to put his hands on Senri's face.]
I don't want anything to happen to him, either. No matter how mad I am...he's the most precious person in the whole world. Tell him I said Rasen.
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Hmm? Is that a secret code? You two are sharing things without me....
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