[ . . . . that is a lot of pictures. and senri is pretty glad that antoinette is sprawled on his lap so that he can just press his face into her fur and pet her idly as he just. flips through all the pictures. tamaki might hear some soft commentary -
at the costumes:] What theme is this... Shinsengumi...? An-chan, do you know anything about history?
[vacations:] Ahh, pretty... I've never been there before...
[beach trips:] So youthful...! Cute...
[though he'll linger on the picture of tamaki's mother, senri softly tracing the photo with his hand as he whispers to antoinette:] ... they're both beautiful... Some people are so blessed, An-chan...
[and he'll
keep flipping until he reaches the end or tamaki comes back, keeping up the commentary train every few pictures]
[Antoinette woofs a little because no, she doesn't know jack shit about history, but it's fine. She's here for Senri's commentary. There's also definitely pictures of An-chan as a puppy, and the second Suoh estate. Tamaki's in his bathroom getting dressed and making himself presentable that by the time he comes out Senri's hit the end.
He's immaculate as always and it looks like he absolutely wasn't napping less than five minutes ago? He's in an outfit similar to this but there's a white rose boutonniere pinned to the lapel that looks brand new.]
Shall we? [A smile, and he's also offering Senri a hand to pull him up.]
that's honestly really close to leaving senri's mouth but he doesn't because he has some sense of restraint. he'll take tamaki's hand and let himself be pulled up but also]
... Tama-chin, I have a secret to share with you. Would you mind bending down a little bit for me, please?
senri leans in as if he's going to whisper a secret in tamaki's ear, but actually he lifts his arms to instead just wrap them around tamaki in a hug now that he's closer to senri's level]
... sorry, I told a white lie.
Were you feeling nostalgic again?
[a TRICK]
I'm wondering if there's something you're not telling me, because you don't want me to worry... but I'm already a little worried.
[Oh. Okay. He'll just...return the hug? Sure. Even if that was a trick!!!]
Ah? Someone asked for a favor in exchange for something else. The photo album acts as a bit of a catalyst, really, so that I could create something. I haven't looked through it in some time...lovely, aren't they?
[But since Senri's here he'll just kiss the top of his head briefly.] You're worrying about nothing. I'm alright.
[sdflkjsdflkjsdf senri flusters briefly - if only because he didn't expect a kiss in exchange for tricking tamaki, what the fuck. so he'll press his face in tamaki's shoulder so that he can hide whatever red might be coloring his cheeks but]
... are you sure...?
You seem tired. No one can blame you, given everything but... the last time you seemed this tired was Saturday.
...it's not appropriate, Senri. [Whatever that means, but he's also still hugging him for the time being.] It's alright, it's just been a long week is all.
Shishimaru-kun told me what happened this week. And Sasuke-kun said it was resolved. You'll have to forgive me for not entirely taking him at his word.
[because taka told senri not to even try to return sasuke's feelings, because he didn't want to share his boyfriend. and senri isn't about to go against that, or try anything else when it means he runs the risk of upsetting the person he loves.
. . . ]
He said... I led him on, and I bullied Taka into admitting that he liked me... but he forgives me...?
Ah, it's okay... He's probably right - not that I did any of it on purpose but... I don't really... [have a reference on what love looks like] I've never...
[had someone love me before.
ugh he can't find the words he wants, or coax them out of his mouth
but he'll reach up to cup tamaki's cheek anyway]
What is this about, Tamaki...? Is it really Sasuke..?
[He allows it for a few seconds before he turns his head just a little.]
...never mind. He was upset, it didn't really mean anything. [He thinks. He's pretty sure Sasuke just grossly misunderstood things but now Tamaki's like ??? so.] He seems to have a goal in mind now, and we'll help him reach it. But be gentle with him until the end. It's going to be difficult for him until he can find it in his heart to forgive himself.
[senri is now also ????? his brow furrows and he tilts his head in confusion - but also... takes his hand back if tamaki doesn't want him to touch him....
he looks a little disappointed and hurt again but nevermind that, senri's an idiot who's been spoiled rotten]
... mm, I'll do my best.
[but
he's still searching tamaki's expression for a hint as to anything else that might've been bothering him?]
Did he say something to you...?
[tamaki's been in a fragile place, senri wouldn't be shocked if sasuke just slammed into something like a bull in a china shop]
[He's still holding him though so really, who's to say what the fuck. As it is, he's keeping his expression as blank as possible as he tries to decide how much damage he feels like causing before they even leave his room.]
...I want to tell you things, but I'm afraid of ruining things and complicating them further. So. Please don't ask me things you aren't prepared to hear.
senri pauses at that, because he understands. he understands very well how difficult it can be to talk to someone and risk burdening them with something as ugly as the truth. of course tamaki would think the same thing. and it's extra difficult in this case, where there are so many things that they avoid talking about for the sake of not wanting to invite more pain.
but.
isn't tamaki just holding it all by himself instead?]
... we said we'd try to be more honest, right? And we could try to hold onto the difficult things together, for as long as we can.
I don't know if I'll be able to say the right thing... and I don't want to lie to you...
But if it's something you want to tell me, I want to listen.
...we did, yes. [But at what cost? Is it worth being honest if it's just going to ruin things even more? If it's going to anger people and upset them? It's a question he's asked constantly and one he doesn't have a full answer to. The thing about it all is that he absolutely has things to say to Senri that he hasn't bothered to touch and isn't sure it's worth it. What would be the point now?
But he knows Senri will be sad if he doesn't try.
And yet...there's a subtle glance at his desk but there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary there. He's still sort of crouched down to Senri's height, staring at him for a moment before he turns his head enough to brush a kiss to his cheek.
It's still within boundaries, and yet.]
If things were different...and if I asked you to stay with me...what would you do? You...this is real, isn't it? We played pretend before, but not all of it is pretend. [It's a lot to get the words out because it's also a very silly problem to have, and it sounds like he already believes that the answer's yes and that whatever the hell happened doesn't matter, but...it'd be nice to hear it from Senri himself. For confirmation.] I would never take you away from Shishimaru-kun, but if circumstances had been different that doesn't count, right?
[their date was supposed to be a dream. a simple dream, where they got to pretend for one evening that they were together, really together, and then it would be over. they would wake up in the morning without regrets, but also without each other. and it would be fine, because they would still be together and they would still be friends. it didn't have to get more complicated than that.
but they never really got better.
and the kiss to senri's cheek surprises him, makes him blink a few times even as a blush deepens on his cheek and he has to focus to make sure that he doesn't miss tamaki's actual question.
if circumstances had been different.]
... I love Taka. [he has to say it first, because circumstances aren't different. and he and tamaki both know that. and this is the reality they have to work with.] I love him very much, and my future is with him.
[it might be cruel to state, a truth that tamaki didn't need - and yet. it feels important to steady senri as he eventually lifts his gaze to meet tamaki's]
... but if things were different...
[if taka hadn't confessed, if taka had found someone else, if senri didn't think that tamaki had turned him down originally, if tamaki had said something a little bit earlier, if if if]
... we'd have a Western-decorated house with a kotatsu somewhere by the beach, and I'd have to commute to the city to keep performing. But we'd have Antoinette, and you'd come to my performances every night to bring me a bouquet that I really don't need. We'd go on hot air balloon rides and you'd drive me crazy when you said some rich thing that I couldn't comprehend, but I still wouldn't be able to tell you no. On anything. You would be a god, and I'd be the idiot who -
[loves you]
... If things were different, I'd never want to leave you alone.
I know. [It's a firm understanding, something Tamaki instinctively knows and has always known for several weeks. Senri's love for Takaomi is the reason he doesn't tell him the full truth, the reason he doesn't disclose everything, and the reason he realizes he has to be the one to let go in the end.
"He wouldn’t have chosen to stay with you. It would be impossible."
But that's not true. It's just...not. It's not true as he knows it because if things had been different, he truly thinks the little life they'd talked about could be a reality despite knowing it wasn't fair to Senri. He thinks about it often, thinks about Haruhi and Kyoya and the twins and Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai, thinks about all of these people in relation to himself. He thinks about Hikaru who had told him to stay away, because he liked Haruhi and he didn't want Tamaki around when he confessed to her. He thinks about Takaomi and the boundaries he'd set.
But admittedly it's hard when Senri says things like this. He knows better. Senri's life has to move on with the person he loves and not a fantasy.
Yet...there's something oddly comforting about hearing the fantasy played back to him anyway.]
But things aren't different. [An echo back.] And I would never take you from Shishimaru-kun, or where you truly belong. Because taking you from someone who loves you isn't fair. [It wasn't fair when it happened to him, so why would he do such a thing?
It's unsettling, a little. His heart aches in his chest and he's blatantly aware this is a familiar feeling, but as usual he's turning a blind eye toward it. Instead, a hand come up to cradle Senri's cheek for a moment before it slips away.]
[it wouldn't have been a hard choice, senri thinks. his wish had always been to find a family, for the sake of finding someone who would love him unconditionally. but if things had turned out differently, if tamaki could have been that person, and going back to a world of strangers was the other option - he would have chosen without hesitation to stay with tamaki. even now, the idea of leaving him is difficult, and senri drags his feet to the finish line every single day -
but he has a home in a person, and that person is taka. and they'll go home, and live together, and there will be fewer bouquets, but just as much love. they would have arguments, and be imperfect, and yet it would still be everything that senri could ever need or want.
he thinks about how unbearably unfair it is.
for him to be so well-loved, so suddenly. if there was ever a moment for him to realize so intimately that relationships weren't as simple as he always treated them, it would be now.
be careful what you wish for - as they say.]
... I'm sure we would've been very happy. I'll - believe in that happily ever after, and the life where we get a chance to be in love.
[ . . . ]
But whoever gets to have you... because I'm not the end of your story - I'm sure they'll realize that they're incredibly lucky, and will give you a thousand years of happiness that I can't.
[senri's hand reaches up to brush tamaki's bangs aside, to trace the curve of his jaw, as if memorizing it before he doesn't have the chance to anymore]
... just -
Never doubt how much you mean to me, even if we have to work only with what we've been given.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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at the costumes:] What theme is this... Shinsengumi...? An-chan, do you know anything about history?
[vacations:] Ahh, pretty... I've never been there before...
[beach trips:] So youthful...! Cute...
[though he'll linger on the picture of tamaki's mother, senri softly tracing the photo with his hand as he whispers to antoinette:] ... they're both beautiful... Some people are so blessed, An-chan...
[and he'll
keep flipping until he reaches the end or tamaki comes back, keeping up the commentary train every few pictures]
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He's immaculate as always and it looks like he absolutely wasn't napping less than five minutes ago? He's in an outfit similar to this but there's a white rose boutonniere pinned to the lapel that looks brand new.]
Shall we? [A smile, and he's also offering Senri a hand to pull him up.]
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that's honestly really close to leaving senri's mouth but he doesn't because he has some sense of restraint. he'll take tamaki's hand and let himself be pulled up but also]
... Tama-chin, I have a secret to share with you. Would you mind bending down a little bit for me, please?
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senri leans in as if he's going to whisper a secret in tamaki's ear, but actually he lifts his arms to instead just wrap them around tamaki in a hug now that he's closer to senri's level]
... sorry, I told a white lie.
Were you feeling nostalgic again?
[a TRICK]
I'm wondering if there's something you're not telling me, because you don't want me to worry... but I'm already a little worried.
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Ah? Someone asked for a favor in exchange for something else. The photo album acts as a bit of a catalyst, really, so that I could create something. I haven't looked through it in some time...lovely, aren't they?
[But since Senri's here he'll just kiss the top of his head briefly.] You're worrying about nothing. I'm alright.
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... are you sure...?
You seem tired. No one can blame you, given everything but... the last time you seemed this tired was Saturday.
[or at least
that was the excuse that tamaki used on saturday]
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...it's not appropriate, Senri. [Whatever that means, but he's also still hugging him for the time being.] It's alright, it's just been a long week is all.
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Tamaki...
We said - we'd try to be honest, right...? I don't think this is the same as a white lie...
[he's getting MORE WORRIED]
Is there something I can do...?
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... with who...?
[help,,]
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[that's not where he expected this to go at all]
... as much as I could....
I think he's still going to come back with us, but... Mm.
Why do you ask?
[tamaki is a saint and a prince but senri is pretty sure that he didn't go full depresscito because sasuke got turned down]
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[You're correct, sort of, Senri.]
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[because taka told senri not to even try to return sasuke's feelings, because he didn't want to share his boyfriend. and senri isn't about to go against that, or try anything else when it means he runs the risk of upsetting the person he loves.
. . . ]
He said... I led him on, and I bullied Taka into admitting that he liked me... but he forgives me...?
[is that what tamaki means?]
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He'll come to understand his feelings well enough with time. But until then, he has no right to be saying such things.
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senri is so confused]
Ah, it's okay... He's probably right - not that I did any of it on purpose but... I don't really... [have a reference on what love looks like] I've never...
[had someone love me before.
ugh he can't find the words he wants, or coax them out of his mouth
but he'll reach up to cup tamaki's cheek anyway]
What is this about, Tamaki...? Is it really Sasuke..?
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...never mind. He was upset, it didn't really mean anything. [He thinks. He's pretty sure Sasuke just grossly misunderstood things but now Tamaki's like ??? so.] He seems to have a goal in mind now, and we'll help him reach it. But be gentle with him until the end. It's going to be difficult for him until he can find it in his heart to forgive himself.
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he looks a little disappointed and hurt again but nevermind that, senri's an idiot who's been spoiled rotten]
... mm, I'll do my best.
[but
he's still searching tamaki's expression for a hint as to anything else that might've been bothering him?]
Did he say something to you...?
[tamaki's been in a fragile place, senri wouldn't be shocked if sasuke just slammed into something like a bull in a china shop]
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...I want to tell you things, but I'm afraid of ruining things and complicating them further. So. Please don't ask me things you aren't prepared to hear.
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senri pauses at that, because he understands. he understands very well how difficult it can be to talk to someone and risk burdening them with something as ugly as the truth. of course tamaki would think the same thing. and it's extra difficult in this case, where there are so many things that they avoid talking about for the sake of not wanting to invite more pain.
but.
isn't tamaki just holding it all by himself instead?]
... we said we'd try to be more honest, right? And we could try to hold onto the difficult things together, for as long as we can.
I don't know if I'll be able to say the right thing... and I don't want to lie to you...
But if it's something you want to tell me, I want to listen.
The least we can do is... try, isn't it?
[isn't that what cheri would want them to do?]
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But he knows Senri will be sad if he doesn't try.
And yet...there's a subtle glance at his desk but there doesn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary there. He's still sort of crouched down to Senri's height, staring at him for a moment before he turns his head enough to brush a kiss to his cheek.
It's still within boundaries, and yet.]
If things were different...and if I asked you to stay with me...what would you do? You...this is real, isn't it? We played pretend before, but not all of it is pretend. [It's a lot to get the words out because it's also a very silly problem to have, and it sounds like he already believes that the answer's yes and that whatever the hell happened doesn't matter, but...it'd be nice to hear it from Senri himself. For confirmation.] I would never take you away from Shishimaru-kun, but if circumstances had been different that doesn't count, right?
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but they never really got better.
and the kiss to senri's cheek surprises him, makes him blink a few times even as a blush deepens on his cheek and he has to focus to make sure that he doesn't miss tamaki's actual question.
if circumstances had been different.]
... I love Taka. [he has to say it first, because circumstances aren't different. and he and tamaki both know that. and this is the reality they have to work with.] I love him very much, and my future is with him.
[it might be cruel to state, a truth that tamaki didn't need - and yet. it feels important to steady senri as he eventually lifts his gaze to meet tamaki's]
... but if things were different...
[if taka hadn't confessed, if taka had found someone else, if senri didn't think that tamaki had turned him down originally, if tamaki had said something a little bit earlier, if if if]
... we'd have a Western-decorated house with a kotatsu somewhere by the beach, and I'd have to commute to the city to keep performing. But we'd have Antoinette, and you'd come to my performances every night to bring me a bouquet that I really don't need. We'd go on hot air balloon rides and you'd drive me crazy when you said some rich thing that I couldn't comprehend, but I still wouldn't be able to tell you no. On anything. You would be a god, and I'd be the idiot who -
[loves you]
... If things were different, I'd never want to leave you alone.
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"He wouldn’t have chosen to stay with you. It would be impossible."
But that's not true. It's just...not. It's not true as he knows it because if things had been different, he truly thinks the little life they'd talked about could be a reality despite knowing it wasn't fair to Senri. He thinks about it often, thinks about Haruhi and Kyoya and the twins and Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai, thinks about all of these people in relation to himself. He thinks about Hikaru who had told him to stay away, because he liked Haruhi and he didn't want Tamaki around when he confessed to her. He thinks about Takaomi and the boundaries he'd set.
But admittedly it's hard when Senri says things like this. He knows better. Senri's life has to move on with the person he loves and not a fantasy.
Yet...there's something oddly comforting about hearing the fantasy played back to him anyway.]
But things aren't different. [An echo back.] And I would never take you from Shishimaru-kun, or where you truly belong. Because taking you from someone who loves you isn't fair. [It wasn't fair when it happened to him, so why would he do such a thing?
It's unsettling, a little. His heart aches in his chest and he's blatantly aware this is a familiar feeling, but as usual he's turning a blind eye toward it. Instead, a hand come up to cradle Senri's cheek for a moment before it slips away.]
...thank you for choosing me in another life.
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but he has a home in a person, and that person is taka. and they'll go home, and live together, and there will be fewer bouquets, but just as much love. they would have arguments, and be imperfect, and yet it would still be everything that senri could ever need or want.
he thinks about how unbearably unfair it is.
for him to be so well-loved, so suddenly. if there was ever a moment for him to realize so intimately that relationships weren't as simple as he always treated them, it would be now.
be careful what you wish for - as they say.]
... I'm sure we would've been very happy. I'll - believe in that happily ever after, and the life where we get a chance to be in love.
[ . . . ]
But whoever gets to have you... because I'm not the end of your story - I'm sure they'll realize that they're incredibly lucky, and will give you a thousand years of happiness that I can't.
[senri's hand reaches up to brush tamaki's bangs aside, to trace the curve of his jaw, as if memorizing it before he doesn't have the chance to anymore]
... just -
Never doubt how much you mean to me, even if we have to work only with what we've been given.
[a limited capacity, a limited amount of time]
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