[ ironically, they were describing themself with those words. That's why they know so exactly what he's feeling in the first place. ]
It is selfish and irrational. I thought I'd made up my mind to let go of everything and stay away from everyone when I got here, knowing what I had to accomplish, but... it turns out it's not so easy to stop caring. The best I can do is pretend it won't have to end.
[ they pause, then laugh, once, a self-deprecating sound. ]
... That's some pretty pathetic advice. Sorry. I'm no good. [ though their tone is bitter, they quietly inch over towards him, enough to bump their shoulder against his arm. ] ... It might be selfish, but I don't think it's wrong. Tamaki-kun, you deserve to be happy. I wish that I could save you, too.
[He looks up, ready to protest a bit about the advice being pathetic because...he's biased, and anything that comes from Mizuki is valuable, but they stop him as they approach and bump into his arm. He looks at them blankly before he slowly shakes his head.]
I used to think it wouldn't have to. But I've realized that isn't true. It's not fair to keep you all here any longer than necessary but I...[Pouting.] ...I don't think pretending is so bad either.
You shouldn't have to save us. You have a lot on your shoulders as it is, Mizuki-san. But I know you'll accomplish great things with or without our help and that makes this a little more bearable.
You're worrying about me instead of yourself again, Tamaki-kun. I'm the older one, you know? Let me fuss over you once in a while.
[ their tone is gently teasing, but they're a little serious, too. Hypocritical of them, to tell him to focus on himself -- but he's different, and so are his circumstances. ]
Lately... I've been thinking that just because they won't last doesn't mean there isn't value in the bonds we make here. You'll still have the memories, pretending or not. So we may as well make them good memories.
[Pouting...but Mizuki has a point and he thinks maybe he should listen to them. He doesn't argue, but he stays quiet instead.]
I have plenty of good memories. [This he can say confidently, at least.] Several of you have been wonderful to befriend. Do you suppose memories are always going to be enough?
[ whether or not they're enough, they can't say. Probably not. But Mizuki doesn't think there's anything else they can do. ]
... So I think that you shouldn't cut yourself off from them. Even if you try to step back from us now, you already care about people here - the damage has been done. All that severing those bonds will do now is keep you from making more memories. Since your time is limited, isn't that a waste?
...I suppose so, yes. But...what about if there are other people that wish for me to sever bonds I have? Shouldn't I take those into consideration as well?
I don't want to waste time, but I don't want to upset anyone either.
[ someone trying to protect Tamaki, maybe? They clearly don't approve. ]
When it comes to something this personal, what matters is what you want, Tamaki-kun. This is about your happiness. [ a beat. ] ... Besides, I think your friends would be sad if they lost you suddenly. You can't please everyone.
A complicated matter, though I think I understand anyway.
My job as a host has always been to please customers, Mizuki-san. And my job as a god is to do the same, I think. But I know you're right. Does that mean I'm doing my job less? I'm always happiest when other people are happy, but sometimes it isn't possible. That's where the real trouble is.
No, you're doing your job just fine. People are just all different, you know? In your host club, there were surely "customers" that preferred the way your friends presented themselves over you.
[ they look over at him seriously. ]
... I think that anyone who tells you to stop talking to the people you care about here doesn't have your best interests in mind, to be honest. Maybe it's selfish for me to say that when I've only known you a little more than a month... but it's obvious to me that Tamaki-kun is someone who thrives on being with other people. It will hurt when we're separated, of course, but it will only hurt more if we have to be apart now when we could still be together.
[ a pause. They realize they're being sentimental here - it's not like them, really. They're sure they'd have been on the opposite side of this argument before they showed up here. Still... ]
... Of course, I don't like seeing you sad, myself. Maybe that's more of my selfishness.
Only thirty percent of them. [Shut the fuck up, Tamaki.] …but I know you're right. It's…hard, I suppose, to be told I should step away from things. I understand why, of course I do, but changing the way I engage with people so late in the game feels like finality that shouldn't be happening yet.
[There's a pause.] Mizuki-san…have I ever told you about why I moved to Japan? It feels a bit similar to this.
[ it's too late to stop things when they've already developed this far, and too early to stop things when there's still a little time left to be enjoyed. If he really wanted to avoid getting hurt, he wouldn't have made any friends at all. They know this, because they had to have the same debate with themself a little while ago.
His second comment gives them more pause. After a moment, they gently shake their head. ]
... No, you haven't. But I'm interested in hearing it.
I know you're right. [He already said that but it's worth repeating. Their opinion means a lot to him. For a moment, he seems to debate before he huffs softly.]
...my father was married to another woman when he met my mother. Even though he divorced his wife, my mother and I were forbidden from moving to Japan to live with him. My grandmother didn't allow it. Instead, we lived in a mansion not far from Paris. My mother was sick for most of my life, so on the days she wasn't feeling well we would stay indoors. On days she felt well though, we would play together.
As I got older, her health got worse. And when I was fourteen, my grandmother offered a deal. As my mother's family's business was starting to also deteriorate, things became a bit difficult. However, I'm still my father's only heir. My grandmother said that if I came to Japan to live and inherit Suoh Enterprises, she would provide the money for my mother's healthcare...on the condition that she would be forbidden from seeing or speaking to me ever again.
My mother accepted. I told her I would go because I wanted to see her get better. [So. Separation anxiety is real even if he is good about squashing it.] That was three years ago, but now I'm here.
[ that's a real soap opera situation, isn't it? Not that they have room to talk, considering the sordid saga Hisato's left for them. Still - the rich really lead different lives. Mizuki's eyes widen a bit. ]
Now you're here, [ they repeat. ] ... What will happen to her and the rest of your family without you?
[ they'd teased him about playing hooky with school, but being absent from the family business sounds like it's an actual, serious problem. ]
I don't really know. [Which is Bad.] I believe when we ascended, something must have taken our place to ensure the worlds we came from remained balanced. But that's not my story anymore.
...I know it was perhaps a mistake, but I really think being here means I can have better influence going forward.
[ god, they feel like they're looking at themself, in a way. They still wholeheartedly believe that Tamaki is a better person than they are - kinder, more generous, more loving - but this part, the part that wants to throw away his own feelings for the sake of being better for everyone else? That's familiar. They suppose that's how this conversation started in the first place. So their pause only lasts a few seconds. ]
[There's a very, very long pause because Mizuki's just hit the crux of the problem.]
For a while. But it will be alright. As we go forward and make the new world, I'll have things to occupy me. Plus I have Antoinette. And memories of all of you. How could I be lonely with those?
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It is selfish and irrational. I thought I'd made up my mind to let go of everything and stay away from everyone when I got here, knowing what I had to accomplish, but... it turns out it's not so easy to stop caring. The best I can do is pretend it won't have to end.
[ they pause, then laugh, once, a self-deprecating sound. ]
... That's some pretty pathetic advice. Sorry. I'm no good. [ though their tone is bitter, they quietly inch over towards him, enough to bump their shoulder against his arm. ] ... It might be selfish, but I don't think it's wrong. Tamaki-kun, you deserve to be happy. I wish that I could save you, too.
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I used to think it wouldn't have to. But I've realized that isn't true. It's not fair to keep you all here any longer than necessary but I...[Pouting.] ...I don't think pretending is so bad either.
You shouldn't have to save us. You have a lot on your shoulders as it is, Mizuki-san. But I know you'll accomplish great things with or without our help and that makes this a little more bearable.
no subject
[ their tone is gently teasing, but they're a little serious, too. Hypocritical of them, to tell him to focus on himself -- but he's different, and so are his circumstances. ]
Lately... I've been thinking that just because they won't last doesn't mean there isn't value in the bonds we make here. You'll still have the memories, pretending or not. So we may as well make them good memories.
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I have plenty of good memories. [This he can say confidently, at least.] Several of you have been wonderful to befriend. Do you suppose memories are always going to be enough?
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[ whether or not they're enough, they can't say. Probably not. But Mizuki doesn't think there's anything else they can do. ]
... So I think that you shouldn't cut yourself off from them. Even if you try to step back from us now, you already care about people here - the damage has been done. All that severing those bonds will do now is keep you from making more memories. Since your time is limited, isn't that a waste?
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I don't want to waste time, but I don't want to upset anyone either.
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[ someone trying to protect Tamaki, maybe? They clearly don't approve. ]
When it comes to something this personal, what matters is what you want, Tamaki-kun. This is about your happiness. [ a beat. ] ... Besides, I think your friends would be sad if they lost you suddenly. You can't please everyone.
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My job as a host has always been to please customers, Mizuki-san. And my job as a god is to do the same, I think. But I know you're right. Does that mean I'm doing my job less? I'm always happiest when other people are happy, but sometimes it isn't possible. That's where the real trouble is.
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[ they look over at him seriously. ]
... I think that anyone who tells you to stop talking to the people you care about here doesn't have your best interests in mind, to be honest. Maybe it's selfish for me to say that when I've only known you a little more than a month... but it's obvious to me that Tamaki-kun is someone who thrives on being with other people. It will hurt when we're separated, of course, but it will only hurt more if we have to be apart now when we could still be together.
[ a pause. They realize they're being sentimental here - it's not like them, really. They're sure they'd have been on the opposite side of this argument before they showed up here. Still... ]
... Of course, I don't like seeing you sad, myself. Maybe that's more of my selfishness.
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[There's a pause.] Mizuki-san…have I ever told you about why I moved to Japan? It feels a bit similar to this.
no subject
[ it's too late to stop things when they've already developed this far, and too early to stop things when there's still a little time left to be enjoyed. If he really wanted to avoid getting hurt, he wouldn't have made any friends at all. They know this, because they had to have the same debate with themself a little while ago.
His second comment gives them more pause. After a moment, they gently shake their head. ]
... No, you haven't. But I'm interested in hearing it.
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...my father was married to another woman when he met my mother. Even though he divorced his wife, my mother and I were forbidden from moving to Japan to live with him. My grandmother didn't allow it. Instead, we lived in a mansion not far from Paris. My mother was sick for most of my life, so on the days she wasn't feeling well we would stay indoors. On days she felt well though, we would play together.
As I got older, her health got worse. And when I was fourteen, my grandmother offered a deal. As my mother's family's business was starting to also deteriorate, things became a bit difficult. However, I'm still my father's only heir. My grandmother said that if I came to Japan to live and inherit Suoh Enterprises, she would provide the money for my mother's healthcare...on the condition that she would be forbidden from seeing or speaking to me ever again.
My mother accepted. I told her I would go because I wanted to see her get better. [So. Separation anxiety is real even if he is good about squashing it.] That was three years ago, but now I'm here.
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Now you're here, [ they repeat. ] ... What will happen to her and the rest of your family without you?
[ they'd teased him about playing hooky with school, but being absent from the family business sounds like it's an actual, serious problem. ]
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...I know it was perhaps a mistake, but I really think being here means I can have better influence going forward.
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[ god, they feel like they're looking at themself, in a way. They still wholeheartedly believe that Tamaki is a better person than they are - kinder, more generous, more loving - but this part, the part that wants to throw away his own feelings for the sake of being better for everyone else? That's familiar. They suppose that's how this conversation started in the first place. So their pause only lasts a few seconds. ]
Won't you be lonely, Tamaki-kun...?
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For a while. But it will be alright. As we go forward and make the new world, I'll have things to occupy me. Plus I have Antoinette. And memories of all of you. How could I be lonely with those?