GODLY AUDIENCES - TAKAOMI SHISHIMARU

[divus]

Comments

[divus]

Why do you say that?

[bakaomi]

Maybe if I left the house sooner, or walked faster, or yelled out when I saw them or just--

[ he doesn't know.

realistically, takaomi knows that what ifs are useless because you can't do anything about it. but there's four bodies, soon to be five unless something happens, and all he can really think of is how he could have maybe halved that number if he was useful. ]

[divus]

Taka. [Firmly. Immediately. It's enough to cut him off and talk in place of him.] Don't...do that, alright? The what ifs are maybe the worst part of the power, but you can't blame yourself for everything that just happened. And you're smart, I know you know this, it's just...

[...man.] ...do you have any idea what might've happened to you if you did interfere that night?

[bakaomi]

... probably something deserved?

[ even though he knows that everything merriment is saying makes perfect sense. ]

[divus]

[Just...gently slapping him upside the head.]

No. [Man, what?] You realize that's sort of saying you deserved to get hurt or killed. That's not what you mean.

[...is it?]

[bakaomi]

Oi.

[ he rubs his head. it didn't hurt, but it's the principle of the thing.

he lets his hand drop after a moment. ]

... it's not like I want to die...

[divus]

...but? [Prompting. You don't start a sentence like that and just leave it, come on. ]

[bakaomi]

"The desire to turn the feelings of guilt into a moving tale… the detective grapples for a solution to the mystery."

[ he pauses, and lets out a small laugh. ]

Someone said that to me once. [ ... ] Everyone worked hard during the trial.

[ he almost said "really hard" but he can't actually bring himself to considering all of the nonsense that also happened. ]

[divus]

[That's...huh.] Huh. [Interesting to consider and in a way, sure, it makes sense.] If only all solutions were easy to find.

[But there's a nod.] You guys figured out a lot of things faster than last week. You're starting to work together...even if a bunch of you got derailed thanks to the curses flying around. People's powers are tricky. Are you happy with what you did today? [Taka specifically.]

[bakaomi]

... I dunno.

[ he shifts slightly on the couch ]

As a group, I guess.

it is 3am.

[divus]

Not what I'm asking and you know it. Come on.

I can't read suddenly I don't know

[bakaomi]

... objectively, yeah. There's no way we're gonna do this perfectly.

[ that'd be more surprising than any setbacks if he's honest ]

I just can't shake the feeling that I should be me instead of Ishikirimaru.

[divus]

[...]

I think Ishi will be alright. Just call it a feeling I have. But there's no reason it should be you. Trust me, kid, dying isn't a route you wanna take.

[bakaomi]

... this is why emotions are so dumb. I know you're right. Everything you're saying makes sense, and I knew before I came here.

[ he covers his face with his hands ]

But my heart still hurts anyway.

[divus]

[Ow? Ow. For a minute Merriment seems to be stunned into silence.]

...I know. I know, that's--that's what's unfair about this game, you know? This shouldn't be your responsibility but with that power it kind of feels like it is.

[There's another pause.] If there's anybody who should be at fault here, it's me, not you. Okay? It's a scary thing to come across when you least expect it, and even worse when something like today happens.

[bakaomi]

[ he glances at him, quiet for a second ]

How can you handle it?

[divus]

Which part? [That's an interesting question, but willing to answer anyway.]

[bakaomi]

The responsibility. Knowing that you can't predict how we're going to act in this game, but knowing you had a hand in it anyway.

... guilt.

[divus]

...old age? [It's sort of a joke but sort of not.] It's...harder than it looks. I think all of us except for maybe Ruin are capable of feeling some amount of guilt. But for me it's about knowing there's something more important to focus on than letting guilt get to me. And that's protecting you while you're here and under my watch.

[...] I messed up in my old life, too. I'm not allowing that to happen here, and that's how I can handle it. Having something to fight for and making sure you and the others that've come to me will make it out of here alive.

[bakaomi]

[ he could mention that merriment really does not sound that old, but people already have weird ages here anyway ]

... mm. You're kind of cool.

[ it's muttered ]

[divus]

[Thank you for being understanding of the old man, Taka. There's a light laugh because that's probably as good a compliment as any.]

I'm okay with kind of. [Part of him is debating if he should leave Taka alone, and the other part is like "this kid has been very traumatized and probably could use a hug." In the end, a hand comes up for a comforting squeeze to his shoulder that Taka can make whatever he wants of it.]

...I'm not going to lie to you and say everything's gonna be alright because I don't really know. But I'm gonna try to make it alright. And I know you will, too. [...] Are you going to try again with that power?

[bakaomi]

[ he doesn't shake the hand off or anything, which is a big jump from how he would have reacted if the same gesture was offered last week. week 2 has been a thing. ]

... I dunno. Probably.

[ he's been thinking about it. ]

I don't want to... see something like that again, but there's a chance I might be able to find something that could help.

[divus]

[Progress!]

...it's your call. But I think there might be something coming that'll help you if you can trust it. [Or someone, since Senri apparently told Taka in another thread but Merriment can't say so thanks to #godrules.] You just have to work together.

[bakaomi]

... hm.

[ he'll consider that. ]

Can I ask you something?

[ he knows he can, but he doesn't just want to leap right into a question that's off topic ]

[divus]

[It's enough for Merriment to turn his head and look at him.]

Sure. What is it?