[Antoinette doesn't mind since she's a good dog, but Tamaki remains quiet. It's a very real thing to be worried about, and it's a very big thing to be scared for. There are a lot of messy knots and loose ends and he doesn't know how to fix them or what to do. Senri was always bound to go home, and Senri deserved someone to make him happy when he left.
Mizuki as well. And it's something he's thought about lately, the fact that he'll be alone with the others in the pantheon when the participants left. It was easier to be a gracious host but now...it's strange to be vaguely homesick as a divine being, but he ultimately chose this, even if he hadn't fully understood at the time.
That's Tamaki though. Follows his heart, misses cues, and finds himself just idly wondering "when did this happen and how could I not have noticed?"
It also takes a few moments to reply because regaining composure takes time.]
It'll be alright, Senri. [That's what he needs to hear right now, isn't it?] There's still hope of defection and winning people over, isn't there? [And even as he speaks his voice grows progressive softer.] Mizuki-san has sworn himself to me and so long as I have a minimum of two, it'll be alright. I'm in a good position as of now.
... even if I know something logically, I don't know if that really helps what I'm feeling....
[he wraps his arms around antoinette and gives her a hug - she's warm, no matter how badly senri is shivering now....]
... but that makes me happier to hear. I tried to talk to Mizuki-san about that too, but I think they suspect me right now... but as long as they promise to take care of you, then I'm happy. Even if I... don't know if I can join you myself just yet.
[ . . . ]
Even if we're all back at the end - there's too many people that I could lose, and time that I'll end up missing out on. And they could get so hurt and...
I think I'm still pretty scared - but....
Your words do make me feel better.
[tamaki's trying. he knows. even if he also has a feeling that tamaki is still only telling him what he wants to hear]
Of course it doesn't. Feelings and logic don't always go together, really. I wish more people understood that but that's a bit idealistic. Supposedly.
[He's a bit torn on that, and Antoinette licks Senri's face.]
...I don't know what you've said to Mizuki-san, but please understand they're doing what they feel is best for me and for them. I cannot blame them and I'll be doing what I can to ensure they stay alive for a few more weeks. Until this game ends. But it's as I've said to you; Mizuki-san also has a wish that must be granted, and come the final week I'll find a way to make sure that wish is granted even if I'm not the winner of this game.
[...god. Okay.] But please don't try to make me a promise you may not be able to keep. [The book's in his lap then and his eyes are nearly shut as he thinks of how to approach this.] I have never expected you to defect to me, and I'll keep your secrets for as long as you need. Or as long as you want. I don't want to see more people hurt including yourself. I know you're trying your best, and I'll help you try as hard as we need to try. As I've told you, you know I'll do whatever I must to make sure your wish comes true.
[There's a short pause.] Even if this isn't easy...how can I make this right?
[he wishes that he could - because it'd be easier if tamaki could know the way to fix it, because for some reason tamaki always gives senri everything that he wants. and wasn't that always the problem...]
Because... I believe you - and I believe in you. I don't know if I actually have any questions, or requests, or even want to cash in my favor.
I just wanted to come here... because I feel a little better as long as you're close by.
[There's deafening silence for the time being as Tamaki mulls over those words. He knows they're correct, and they shouldn't affect him the way that they do, but his head remains bowed and he doesn't say anything.
The book is put to the side though, and without lifting his gaze he wordlessly holds out a hand. He won't encourage or discourage either way, but it's an offering of his own.]
[ . . . . the silence is scary. it's so scary that senri nearly excuses himself, because he's sure that he's managed to cross a line and he's finally made a mistake that he can't come back from. he's been too selfish and there's not really going to be any hope for him.
but then there's a hand held out to him and.
he give antoinette a kiss on the head first.
and then he'll slowly get up to reach out and take it - though this time his hand is still gloved as it trembles in tamaki's]
[There's an arf from Antoinette as she wags her tail again, debating if she wants to follow Senri to Tamaki's bed but choosing to stay on the chaise instead. Tamaki, meanwhile, takes Senri's hand and sort of pulls himself up so he's kneeling on his bed while Senri stands in front of it. They're almost the same height this way and there's still a lack of words because words are dumb and things are exhausting.
So instead, he pulls Senri closer and immediately burrows his face into his shoulder? So that's. Fine. Senri maybe should not have come here because Tamaki's arms grip around him and hold on probably tighter than they should.
This doesn't make this any less confusing at all.]
but affection is something that senri knows. affection is something that senri melts into, even now. when tamaki comes up to meet him, he feels relief flood his system in every single direction, and he lets himself be held onto tightly if only for the reminder that there's someone who cares about him that much. he's overwhelmed here - he always is - and he just clings on in return. he buries his face in tamaki's shoulder too and -
manages the world's weakest laugh against him]
.... sorry for always asking you to take care of me.
[Eventually Tamaki will need to stop kneeling but he's not moving anytime soon. The only reason he seems to realize that Senri will reciprocate is because they're very similar people. They're both worried about losing one another, and even though Tamaki's already lost him that's zero excuse to stop trying.
It doesn't hurt any less, but that's fine.]
Are you aware that you've never asked...? [Senri has never really asked for anything out of asking Tamaki to keep some secrets, but Tamaki's the one who offered first. Tamaki's the one who reached out and dug under Senri's skin, tried to learn about the person beyond the persona and found himself looking in a mirror. Somehow the apology seems very stupid and even while Tamaki blinks away his own tears he doesn't lift his head.]
I told someone... if all I relied on were verbal cues, I'd be the world's worst actor. Maybe I've never asked out loud but....
[there's been plenty of times where he's needed tamaki, and showed up, and expected comfort or answers or - anything. even now, he admitted something embarrassing and painfully sincere and got what he wanted as a result. he thinks about how selfish he is, to keep asking silently for comfort from someone who will always give it to him. for whatever reason.
and he closes his eyes as he leans against tamaki's hold]
... you're way too nice, to be spoiling a dumb rabbit who keeps making mistakes.
The world doesn't always have to be a stage. So why always act?
[It's a gentle, casual question and not an accusation because Tamaki's just as big of an actor as Senri is sometimes. They're not moving and this is maybe useless when the game will continue and people will continue to die...but at least there's maybe hope to try and fix things.]
Senri. Why do you suppose that is? [Why does Tamaki continue to spoil him, he means.]
and there are a lot of issues to be unpacked behind both - senri thinks he has an answer for the first one, but the second takes precedent even as he delays his answer by just accepting this moment where tamaki holds him.]
.... I don't know....
[it's a quiet answer, but honest]
People here still care about me - you still care about me... even though you know I'm a liar... and I don't always know what to say....
[The arms wind tighter, and Tamaki pauses before he begins to speak in a quiet, still voice.]
...in the old life, there was someone who stepped into my life on accident. She pretended to be a boy, and she has posed as a boy for almost a full year despite the club members knowing the truth. She plays pretend with the rest of us, and she's a natural host. She's...very smart, but very hard to reach. Independent and yet naive in some ways of the world because of it. A commoner trying to understand how to fit into our world and how to let us into hers.
And we kept her secret for her. We've kept secrets from her and for her and though she protests club events sometimes and makes things more complicated when she won't listen to me as her father...and though she doesn't always know what to say, or how to behave...and though she has never had people to rely on the way we wish for her to rely on us...we try.
You...make me feel the same even though you're very different people. Like her, you deserve a chance to be taken care of instead of taking care of yourself. [And that's, perhaps, as much of a confession as he can muster.]
[senri listens carefully even as he leans against tamaki, letting the other hold him close as senri accepts the story. he thinks he can figure out who tamaki is talking about, from the portraits that hang in his room. those people are probably his host club, the family that he made for himself. he hears the way that tamaki says that this girl won't listen to him as her father - and laughs just a little bit.
their relationship is sweet. and traitorously, a little chord of jealousy strikes - minutely, but not for long. at least, not long once he remembers that tamaki is not his to be jealous over.
(the heart is such a treacherous thing.)]
... she sounds really cute. I think we'd get along.
[he's always looking for other commoners tbh,, though he's also going to think about that explanation, quiet as he lets it ruminate.]
I guess I just thought... it'd always be just me... I'm still surprised - at how it feels, to not be alone. To have people like you know who I am... and not look away.
[Considering they're in his room and the portrait of Haruhi is right in eyesight yes, it's not hard. Tamaki doesn't say anything about that in particular and simply uses the story to prove a point, despite how much his heart aches for his former life some days.
It aches, but at least he'll remember them and love them and know they loved him, mostly.]
She's very much like Shishimaru-kun in a way. Practical. Loyal. Blunt. [And insulting, but Tamaki saw parallels between Takaomi and Kyoya, too.] But sometimes hard to crack open. If anyone could get to her, I imagine it'd be you.
[A sigh.] ...though the sun may be hard to look at directly, the warmth it radiates encourages people to come closer. It's hard to want to shy away after you've experienced something so bright.
[Senri's true self is apparently the sun. So that's how that's going, and yet somehow he sounds sincere about that.]
[this is not how it should be going - and senri can't help but laugh a little bit when tamaki compares this girl to taka. it's a little weird, and he thinks again about how he'd like to meet her but then.
tamaki says that.
and senri pauses - just long enough to lift his head so he can try to look tamaki in the face. his expression is unhappy - not particularly mad, but contemplative. worried.]
.... but I'm hurting you too, aren't I....
[given everything,]
And... I don't know if you'd be willing to tell me if I am....
[Senri and Haruhi could be friends, he thinks. They're the same age just about and Haruhi puts up with the host club well enough. It's a confusing little time but that's something to reflect on later.
Senri pulls away and Tamaki lifts his head just enough to look at him, expression nothing short of fragile despite the smile he's trying to keep up.]
Please don't worry about that. [No, he should maybe be honest if Senri's being honest. But...] ...are you happy with him?
[senri wonders if it's polite to think about it, to hesitate. but the thing is that he... doesn't have to. he wonders that for only a second before he answers - ]
... I am. He's always... endured me more than anyone else.
[now that they can talk about him without ruining the illusion of their date, and senri can be honest about his feelings]
... but I'm always going to worry about you. I don't want to let you think that I won't.
I know. [Calmly. Clearly. He was never under the illusion that Senri wouldn't care about him even with Takaomi in the picture.]
I'm sorry I didn't realize your feelings for him sooner. [No, shut up, Tamaki.] Is it...I don't want to play pretend anymore because I don't think it's fair now, given the circumstances, but...is it selfish to say I dread the end of our time together?
[Like. Two weeks from now. Not right this moment.]
[ . . . . and senri is back to clinging, because of course he is. he doesn't want to answer for a little bit because - ]
Cheri told me... that he doesn't want me to leave this place with any regrets. About things that I could've said, or what I should've done, or time that I could've had with.... [you] - people.
[he thinks about a different story that could've unfolded - where a stage actor met the president of a host club after a performance in tokyo, where everything could've ended much more happily than what they have in front of them]
... I don't think that's selfish.
I... know I have to go home but at the same time - I don't want to leave you.
Sincerity has never lived a life wanting regrets to linger. I don't think a life should have regrets either or things left unsaid. There's nothing worse than being left wondering until the end of time.
[Speaking from experience...but he takes a breath.]
...you have to. You know that and I know that because that's how things are. I wish things were different, but perhaps this is what people mean when they say people can be starcrossed.
[Starcrossed lovers and all that, though maybe it's not the same.] Do you regret other things in this place?
... I told someone - that starcrossed is a reeeaaally cute, romantic trope in fiction. I like it a lot.... but I think I like it a lot less when it feels like it's happening to me.
[if that's something that he can say to tamaki - if he's reading his feelings correctly this time, instead of guessing wrong before. even now he knows this is the most sensible, the most responsible. he won't be going home with anyone besides taka and he can't ask anyone to abandon theirs for him -
.... and he sighs a little bit.]
I only regret... the people I'm not able to save, or help. The fact that I don't even know entirely what I'm doing, or if I'm making any difference at all....
But I... while we're here, I'm... still grateful for everyone I get to meet.
I don't like it very much either. [So...yeah. Maybe he's reading them correct this time and Tamaki can acknowledge them even if he doesn't understand how or why. He's always been bad at that.]
Never regret that when you've tried your best and continue to try your best. You've made a great difference for a number of people whether you realize it or not. It shows in the spread of information and the way people other than myself have come to trust you.
...I can only wish that even with everything, at the end of this you'll manage to find some happy memories to take away from this even among the tragedies.
[ . . . hah. he'd known for a little while, somewhere in his chest, that maybe tamaki felt the same. it had been incubating in his mind since the end of their date - and for some reason the confirmation doesn't make anything easier. it helps when logic overrules and senri knows that they wouldn't be able to work out -
.... but hadn't they just said that sometimes knowing something doesn't ease the feelings at all?]
.... of course I will.
[and he offers up a soft smile at that, pulling away just enough to look up at tamaki]
I got to play house with Ogou-san. I've met Madopyon, who is a friend that I want to keep forever. Sasuke made me dinner and dessert. Guy-san and Luke-kun both learned more about technology. Zo wants to visit Tokyo. Cheri and I went to a carnival - I took Justice too. I got to introduce a lot of people to things that made them happy.
[ . . . ]
I got to enjoy a really fun dream, with a really charming prince, and even now he shows me kindness.
.... today was hard, but -
Even if there isn't a happy ending, there can still be a wonderful story.
[He doesn't immediately reply, but as Senri pulls back Tamaki sits up just enough to kiss his forehead again just because it's his room and he's allowed a few secrets of his own.]
Those are all wonderful experiences that I hope you hold onto for a long time. Things that will get you through the next few weeks. ..it's those experiences and conversations with people that help guide you to an answer of who you are and who you wish to be. I think you're still turning out to be a wonderful person, and happy endings are really all in how you look at it.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Mizuki as well. And it's something he's thought about lately, the fact that he'll be alone with the others in the pantheon when the participants left. It was easier to be a gracious host but now...it's strange to be vaguely homesick as a divine being, but he ultimately chose this, even if he hadn't fully understood at the time.
That's Tamaki though. Follows his heart, misses cues, and finds himself just idly wondering "when did this happen and how could I not have noticed?"
It also takes a few moments to reply because regaining composure takes time.]
It'll be alright, Senri. [That's what he needs to hear right now, isn't it?] There's still hope of defection and winning people over, isn't there? [And even as he speaks his voice grows progressive softer.] Mizuki-san has sworn himself to me and so long as I have a minimum of two, it'll be alright. I'm in a good position as of now.
...please don't be scared.
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[he wraps his arms around antoinette and gives her a hug - she's warm, no matter how badly senri is shivering now....]
... but that makes me happier to hear. I tried to talk to Mizuki-san about that too, but I think they suspect me right now... but as long as they promise to take care of you, then I'm happy. Even if I... don't know if I can join you myself just yet.
[ . . . ]
Even if we're all back at the end - there's too many people that I could lose, and time that I'll end up missing out on. And they could get so hurt and...
I think I'm still pretty scared - but....
Your words do make me feel better.
[tamaki's trying. he knows. even if he also has a feeling that tamaki is still only telling him what he wants to hear]
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[He's a bit torn on that, and Antoinette licks Senri's face.]
...I don't know what you've said to Mizuki-san, but please understand they're doing what they feel is best for me and for them. I cannot blame them and I'll be doing what I can to ensure they stay alive for a few more weeks. Until this game ends. But it's as I've said to you; Mizuki-san also has a wish that must be granted, and come the final week I'll find a way to make sure that wish is granted even if I'm not the winner of this game.
[...god. Okay.] But please don't try to make me a promise you may not be able to keep. [The book's in his lap then and his eyes are nearly shut as he thinks of how to approach this.] I have never expected you to defect to me, and I'll keep your secrets for as long as you need. Or as long as you want. I don't want to see more people hurt including yourself. I know you're trying your best, and I'll help you try as hard as we need to try. As I've told you, you know I'll do whatever I must to make sure your wish comes true.
[There's a short pause.] Even if this isn't easy...how can I make this right?
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... I don't know.... I wish I could tell you....
[he wishes that he could - because it'd be easier if tamaki could know the way to fix it, because for some reason tamaki always gives senri everything that he wants. and wasn't that always the problem...]
Because... I believe you - and I believe in you. I don't know if I actually have any questions, or requests, or even want to cash in my favor.
I just wanted to come here... because I feel a little better as long as you're close by.
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The book is put to the side though, and without lifting his gaze he wordlessly holds out a hand. He won't encourage or discourage either way, but it's an offering of his own.]
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but then there's a hand held out to him and.
he give antoinette a kiss on the head first.
and then he'll slowly get up to reach out and take it - though this time his hand is still gloved as it trembles in tamaki's]
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So instead, he pulls Senri closer and immediately burrows his face into his shoulder? So that's. Fine. Senri maybe should not have come here because Tamaki's arms grip around him and hold on probably tighter than they should.
This doesn't make this any less confusing at all.]
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but affection is something that senri knows. affection is something that senri melts into, even now. when tamaki comes up to meet him, he feels relief flood his system in every single direction, and he lets himself be held onto tightly if only for the reminder that there's someone who cares about him that much. he's overwhelmed here - he always is - and he just clings on in return. he buries his face in tamaki's shoulder too and -
manages the world's weakest laugh against him]
.... sorry for always asking you to take care of me.
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It doesn't hurt any less, but that's fine.]
Are you aware that you've never asked...? [Senri has never really asked for anything out of asking Tamaki to keep some secrets, but Tamaki's the one who offered first. Tamaki's the one who reached out and dug under Senri's skin, tried to learn about the person beyond the persona and found himself looking in a mirror. Somehow the apology seems very stupid and even while Tamaki blinks away his own tears he doesn't lift his head.]
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I told someone... if all I relied on were verbal cues, I'd be the world's worst actor. Maybe I've never asked out loud but....
[there's been plenty of times where he's needed tamaki, and showed up, and expected comfort or answers or - anything. even now, he admitted something embarrassing and painfully sincere and got what he wanted as a result. he thinks about how selfish he is, to keep asking silently for comfort from someone who will always give it to him. for whatever reason.
and he closes his eyes as he leans against tamaki's hold]
... you're way too nice, to be spoiling a dumb rabbit who keeps making mistakes.
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[It's a gentle, casual question and not an accusation because Tamaki's just as big of an actor as Senri is sometimes. They're not moving and this is maybe useless when the game will continue and people will continue to die...but at least there's maybe hope to try and fix things.]
Senri. Why do you suppose that is? [Why does Tamaki continue to spoil him, he means.]
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and there are a lot of issues to be unpacked behind both - senri thinks he has an answer for the first one, but the second takes precedent even as he delays his answer by just accepting this moment where tamaki holds him.]
.... I don't know....
[it's a quiet answer, but honest]
People here still care about me - you still care about me... even though you know I'm a liar... and I don't always know what to say....
I've never... [had that before and so - ]
I can't figure out why.
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...in the old life, there was someone who stepped into my life on accident. She pretended to be a boy, and she has posed as a boy for almost a full year despite the club members knowing the truth. She plays pretend with the rest of us, and she's a natural host. She's...very smart, but very hard to reach. Independent and yet naive in some ways of the world because of it. A commoner trying to understand how to fit into our world and how to let us into hers.
And we kept her secret for her. We've kept secrets from her and for her and though she protests club events sometimes and makes things more complicated when she won't listen to me as her father...and though she doesn't always know what to say, or how to behave...and though she has never had people to rely on the way we wish for her to rely on us...we try.
You...make me feel the same even though you're very different people. Like her, you deserve a chance to be taken care of instead of taking care of yourself. [And that's, perhaps, as much of a confession as he can muster.]
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their relationship is sweet. and traitorously, a little chord of jealousy strikes - minutely, but not for long. at least, not long once he remembers that tamaki is not his to be jealous over.
(the heart is such a treacherous thing.)]
... she sounds really cute. I think we'd get along.
[he's always looking for other commoners tbh,, though he's also going to think about that explanation, quiet as he lets it ruminate.]
I guess I just thought... it'd always be just me... I'm still surprised - at how it feels, to not be alone. To have people like you know who I am... and not look away.
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It aches, but at least he'll remember them and love them and know they loved him, mostly.]
She's very much like Shishimaru-kun in a way. Practical. Loyal. Blunt. [And insulting, but Tamaki saw parallels between Takaomi and Kyoya, too.] But sometimes hard to crack open. If anyone could get to her, I imagine it'd be you.
[A sigh.] ...though the sun may be hard to look at directly, the warmth it radiates encourages people to come closer. It's hard to want to shy away after you've experienced something so bright.
[Senri's true self is apparently the sun. So that's how that's going, and yet somehow he sounds sincere about that.]
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tamaki says that.
and senri pauses - just long enough to lift his head so he can try to look tamaki in the face. his expression is unhappy - not particularly mad, but contemplative. worried.]
.... but I'm hurting you too, aren't I....
[given everything,]
And... I don't know if you'd be willing to tell me if I am....
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Senri pulls away and Tamaki lifts his head just enough to look at him, expression nothing short of fragile despite the smile he's trying to keep up.]
Please don't worry about that. [No, he should maybe be honest if Senri's being honest. But...] ...are you happy with him?
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... I am. He's always... endured me more than anyone else.
[now that they can talk about him without ruining the illusion of their date, and senri can be honest about his feelings]
... but I'm always going to worry about you. I don't want to let you think that I won't.
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I'm sorry I didn't realize your feelings for him sooner. [No, shut up, Tamaki.] Is it...I don't want to play pretend anymore because I don't think it's fair now, given the circumstances, but...is it selfish to say I dread the end of our time together?
[Like. Two weeks from now. Not right this moment.]
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Cheri told me... that he doesn't want me to leave this place with any regrets. About things that I could've said, or what I should've done, or time that I could've had with.... [you] - people.
[he thinks about a different story that could've unfolded - where a stage actor met the president of a host club after a performance in tokyo, where everything could've ended much more happily than what they have in front of them]
... I don't think that's selfish.
I... know I have to go home but at the same time - I don't want to leave you.
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[Speaking from experience...but he takes a breath.]
...you have to. You know that and I know that because that's how things are. I wish things were different, but perhaps this is what people mean when they say people can be starcrossed.
[Starcrossed lovers and all that, though maybe it's not the same.] Do you regret other things in this place?
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[if that's something that he can say to tamaki - if he's reading his feelings correctly this time, instead of guessing wrong before. even now he knows this is the most sensible, the most responsible. he won't be going home with anyone besides taka and he can't ask anyone to abandon theirs for him -
.... and he sighs a little bit.]
I only regret... the people I'm not able to save, or help. The fact that I don't even know entirely what I'm doing, or if I'm making any difference at all....
But I... while we're here, I'm... still grateful for everyone I get to meet.
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Never regret that when you've tried your best and continue to try your best. You've made a great difference for a number of people whether you realize it or not. It shows in the spread of information and the way people other than myself have come to trust you.
...I can only wish that even with everything, at the end of this you'll manage to find some happy memories to take away from this even among the tragedies.
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.... but hadn't they just said that sometimes knowing something doesn't ease the feelings at all?]
.... of course I will.
[and he offers up a soft smile at that, pulling away just enough to look up at tamaki]
I got to play house with Ogou-san. I've met Madopyon, who is a friend that I want to keep forever. Sasuke made me dinner and dessert. Guy-san and Luke-kun both learned more about technology. Zo wants to visit Tokyo. Cheri and I went to a carnival - I took Justice too. I got to introduce a lot of people to things that made them happy.
[ . . . ]
I got to enjoy a really fun dream, with a really charming prince, and even now he shows me kindness.
.... today was hard, but -
Even if there isn't a happy ending, there can still be a wonderful story.
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Those are all wonderful experiences that I hope you hold onto for a long time. Things that will get you through the next few weeks. ..it's those experiences and conversations with people that help guide you to an answer of who you are and who you wish to be. I think you're still turning out to be a wonderful person, and happy endings are really all in how you look at it.
But perhaps that's just me.
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