[Tamaki can take as long as he'd like - Senri settles for running his fingers through Tamaki's hair, if only because it's been soothing when other people have done that to him. he's quiet as he listens to the question, and it makes him pause - but perhaps, surprisingly, not for that long.]
... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
[It helps, but that's no surprise. He listens to Senri for a moment before he pulls away to face him, a hand coming up to swipe at his eyes and remove tears as he mulls over all of that.]
…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
[something distant and familiar tugs at senri's memory when he hears tamaki say 'perhaps it's safer not to form connections' but he doesn't let it linger. instead he just laughs quietly, a soft and fond noise, as he lets himself lean into tamaki's touch.
the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
...it's what I usually tell myself, yes. [A philosophy he agrees with and understands.] I would rather think of the happy moments than the sad ones that broke us apart, but sometimes it's unexpected.
...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
[senri settles for quietly shaking his head at that, though not enough to pull away from tamaki's touch. he lets his own hand trace down tamaki's cheek before settling against the curve of his jaw]
Please don't say sorry, when I asked you to tell me. When, even though I'm sharing your sadness with you, I'm really happy to know that you aren't holding it by yourself anymore. I don't want you to have to...
[ . . . ]
It's okay - to want more time. I want more time, too. Even if we might not get what we want... it's not wrong to hold the hope in your heart anyway.
[He leans into Senri's hand, horribly fond and a little broken but comfortable this way.]
I know. I know, it's…difficult, I think, to share these things. Because I don't want people to be sad because of me. But I can try, I guess. [There's a smile.] I believe that's what I should be saying to you, however.
[senri will just brush his thumb against tamaki's cheek as he gives him a smile, thoughtful and sincere]
... I'd be sadder if you kept it to yourself, Tamaki. [without bothering with a nickname] So... please let me carry it with you, even if we aren't able to find answers. I just don't want you to feel like you're a burden.
[Tell that to you boyfriend five days in the future, Senri.]
I don't know if I can tell Mizuki-san everything either. They don't need to trouble themselves with these things in addition to their own worries. But...thank you for understanding.
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... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
no subject
…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
no subject
the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
no subject
...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
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Please don't say sorry, when I asked you to tell me. When, even though I'm sharing your sadness with you, I'm really happy to know that you aren't holding it by yourself anymore. I don't want you to have to...
[ . . . ]
It's okay - to want more time. I want more time, too. Even if we might not get what we want... it's not wrong to hold the hope in your heart anyway.
It's hope that drives people forward, after all.
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I know. I know, it's…difficult, I think, to share these things. Because I don't want people to be sad because of me. But I can try, I guess. [There's a smile.] I believe that's what I should be saying to you, however.
[That's a very Tamaki line, thanks.]
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... I'd be sadder if you kept it to yourself, Tamaki. [without bothering with a nickname] So... please let me carry it with you, even if we aren't able to find answers. I just don't want you to feel like you're a burden.
You're never a burden to me.
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Thank you...for everything. I think you've once again underestimated yourself.
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... I'm learning. Everyday.
I think that's all it is... and we can learn together, as much as you want.
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[easily]
... It's hard to let people in that much. If it's just me, or Mizuki-san... I'll understand. Old habits are hard to break, too.
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I don't know if I can tell Mizuki-san everything either. They don't need to trouble themselves with these things in addition to their own worries. But...thank you for understanding.
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but senri will just blink at that before just moving to brush some of tamaki's hair out of his face fondly]
... okay.
But in exchange, please make sure to be honest with me.
I'll keep being honest with you too.
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..it will be alright.