[senri holds tamaki close, if only because he's not entirely sure of what else to do. the more tamaki talks, the more senri realizes that he has no experience, no reference for what to do in this situation. it's such a difficult position, and even though he might not be equipped for it, he only continues to think about how upsetting it is that tamaki held onto this all by himself, for so long. he created a place where people could be happy without even once thinking of himself or admitting to his own difficulties
next to how upset he feels, there settles a twist of the same overwhelming fondness that he's felt for weeks]
... I'm upset, but I think it's... an okay kind of upset. The kind of upset when you want to support someone who matters a lot to you, when you want to carry some of what they carry so it's not so heavy for one person. [and tamaki has done this so often for senri - a brief kiss to the top of his head, meant to be soothing, reassuring, and senri doesn't know if it's quite right but he tries it anyway]
It's... no one's going to blame you if you don't know.... It's okay if it's hard to know what's right, but to keep trying. I know that you're always going to keep trying, no matter what happens. In the world that comes out of this, you're going to make a difference, and you're going to be amazing to everyone you meet.
[ . . . ]
But until you get there... if you're sad... or worried... you can show that, too. I like that side of you too, you know?
[It's fine, probably. At least he's not outright sobbing but rather just holding on for the time being because it's a lot that he hadn't felt like sharing for some time now. He's quiet and keeping Senri close and waiting for an answer.
When it comes, his arms wind tighter around him but he's settled. The kiss isn't dismissed, and instead he nods in reply.]
...I want what's best for everyone and for people not to worry. But I understand that perhaps it's more worrisome not to say anything at all. Haruhi...said something similar, but even then I didn't tell her everything. The Host club knows about my situation and they've still accepted it. So...to have you here and understand...it means a lot. But I have to try harder for Mizuki-san to get their wish, and for you as well. So I'm going to put forth more effort in the final week. Even knowing that you'll all be leaving very soon, it's more reason to find a way to work together.
[tamaki can hold on as tightly as he wants to, senri won't flinch away. if anything he'll just try to keep tamaki as close as he can, as if the physical reminder is all that he can manage to assure him that he's not going anywhere. that he'll try to be here as long as he can, for this person that's somehow come to mean so much to him]
... please let me know if there's anything that you need. I'm going to be working hard too, to try to get as many people as I can to figure out the best possible world but....
[he shakes his head quietly, and lets his head rest against tamaki's]
Even if I'm leaving soon.... I'll always remember you, and I'll always wish for your happiness. You're going to find it, because you shine so brightly that there'll be even more people drawn to you soon.... but if there's anything I can do to help even a little bit, you have to let me know.
[What is it that Senri could possibly do, he wonders. The answer would only mean making someone else unhappy, breaking someone else's bonds, and he refuses to do that. On the other hand, he does believe he'll find happiness someday soon because Tamaki always manages to find his own way. It's always been like that. He's always been gifted with the ability to bounce back and come up with something new and fun to focus on. New ways to make people smile. New ways to preserve their memories.
So here…he'll have to find a way, he thinks. He'll find a way to keep the memories of these people and the connections he's made, and maybe find a way to see them again. It might be outside of his power, but there's still that bit of hope.
He's thinking about all of this and keeping quiet though, letting himself hold onto Senri and sort out his thoughts on his own.]
…can I ask you something? Are you happier here now than you were before?
[Tamaki can take as long as he'd like - Senri settles for running his fingers through Tamaki's hair, if only because it's been soothing when other people have done that to him. he's quiet as he listens to the question, and it makes him pause - but perhaps, surprisingly, not for that long.]
... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
[It helps, but that's no surprise. He listens to Senri for a moment before he pulls away to face him, a hand coming up to swipe at his eyes and remove tears as he mulls over all of that.]
…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
[something distant and familiar tugs at senri's memory when he hears tamaki say 'perhaps it's safer not to form connections' but he doesn't let it linger. instead he just laughs quietly, a soft and fond noise, as he lets himself lean into tamaki's touch.
the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
...it's what I usually tell myself, yes. [A philosophy he agrees with and understands.] I would rather think of the happy moments than the sad ones that broke us apart, but sometimes it's unexpected.
...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
[senri settles for quietly shaking his head at that, though not enough to pull away from tamaki's touch. he lets his own hand trace down tamaki's cheek before settling against the curve of his jaw]
Please don't say sorry, when I asked you to tell me. When, even though I'm sharing your sadness with you, I'm really happy to know that you aren't holding it by yourself anymore. I don't want you to have to...
[ . . . ]
It's okay - to want more time. I want more time, too. Even if we might not get what we want... it's not wrong to hold the hope in your heart anyway.
[He leans into Senri's hand, horribly fond and a little broken but comfortable this way.]
I know. I know, it's…difficult, I think, to share these things. Because I don't want people to be sad because of me. But I can try, I guess. [There's a smile.] I believe that's what I should be saying to you, however.
[senri will just brush his thumb against tamaki's cheek as he gives him a smile, thoughtful and sincere]
... I'd be sadder if you kept it to yourself, Tamaki. [without bothering with a nickname] So... please let me carry it with you, even if we aren't able to find answers. I just don't want you to feel like you're a burden.
[Tell that to you boyfriend five days in the future, Senri.]
I don't know if I can tell Mizuki-san everything either. They don't need to trouble themselves with these things in addition to their own worries. But...thank you for understanding.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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next to how upset he feels, there settles a twist of the same overwhelming fondness that he's felt for weeks]
... I'm upset, but I think it's... an okay kind of upset. The kind of upset when you want to support someone who matters a lot to you, when you want to carry some of what they carry so it's not so heavy for one person. [and tamaki has done this so often for senri - a brief kiss to the top of his head, meant to be soothing, reassuring, and senri doesn't know if it's quite right but he tries it anyway]
It's... no one's going to blame you if you don't know.... It's okay if it's hard to know what's right, but to keep trying. I know that you're always going to keep trying, no matter what happens. In the world that comes out of this, you're going to make a difference, and you're going to be amazing to everyone you meet.
[ . . . ]
But until you get there... if you're sad... or worried... you can show that, too. I like that side of you too, you know?
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When it comes, his arms wind tighter around him but he's settled. The kiss isn't dismissed, and instead he nods in reply.]
...I want what's best for everyone and for people not to worry. But I understand that perhaps it's more worrisome not to say anything at all. Haruhi...said something similar, but even then I didn't tell her everything. The Host club knows about my situation and they've still accepted it. So...to have you here and understand...it means a lot. But I have to try harder for Mizuki-san to get their wish, and for you as well. So I'm going to put forth more effort in the final week. Even knowing that you'll all be leaving very soon, it's more reason to find a way to work together.
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... please let me know if there's anything that you need. I'm going to be working hard too, to try to get as many people as I can to figure out the best possible world but....
[he shakes his head quietly, and lets his head rest against tamaki's]
Even if I'm leaving soon.... I'll always remember you, and I'll always wish for your happiness. You're going to find it, because you shine so brightly that there'll be even more people drawn to you soon.... but if there's anything I can do to help even a little bit, you have to let me know.
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So here…he'll have to find a way, he thinks. He'll find a way to keep the memories of these people and the connections he's made, and maybe find a way to see them again. It might be outside of his power, but there's still that bit of hope.
He's thinking about all of this and keeping quiet though, letting himself hold onto Senri and sort out his thoughts on his own.]
…can I ask you something? Are you happier here now than you were before?
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... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
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…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
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the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
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...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
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Please don't say sorry, when I asked you to tell me. When, even though I'm sharing your sadness with you, I'm really happy to know that you aren't holding it by yourself anymore. I don't want you to have to...
[ . . . ]
It's okay - to want more time. I want more time, too. Even if we might not get what we want... it's not wrong to hold the hope in your heart anyway.
It's hope that drives people forward, after all.
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I know. I know, it's…difficult, I think, to share these things. Because I don't want people to be sad because of me. But I can try, I guess. [There's a smile.] I believe that's what I should be saying to you, however.
[That's a very Tamaki line, thanks.]
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... I'd be sadder if you kept it to yourself, Tamaki. [without bothering with a nickname] So... please let me carry it with you, even if we aren't able to find answers. I just don't want you to feel like you're a burden.
You're never a burden to me.
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Thank you...for everything. I think you've once again underestimated yourself.
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... I'm learning. Everyday.
I think that's all it is... and we can learn together, as much as you want.
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[easily]
... It's hard to let people in that much. If it's just me, or Mizuki-san... I'll understand. Old habits are hard to break, too.
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I don't know if I can tell Mizuki-san everything either. They don't need to trouble themselves with these things in addition to their own worries. But...thank you for understanding.
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but senri will just blink at that before just moving to brush some of tamaki's hair out of his face fondly]
... okay.
But in exchange, please make sure to be honest with me.
I'll keep being honest with you too.
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..it will be alright.