[Immediately he almost says "no", but then he thinks about how Senri would respond to that and thinks better of it.
He stares at his feet for a moment before he looks up again, smile growing a little and easing into the same charming personality he's used to. He can do that. Senri makes him happy despite everything, and he'd rather see him happy than sad because...of him?
That's hardly allowed.]
You've been busy, it's alright. My heart longs for you always, but I find strength in knowing you'll return. [Shut up, Tamaki. There's another strange pause.]
Are the others alright? [Sasuke. Takaomi. He means them specifically.]
[ . . . . senri is quiet then as he considers that, considers tamaki. he'll keep petting antoinette, and press his face into her fur briefly before he looks up again]
As okay as I can get them to be.... Ishirin-san is going to talk to Mizuki-san, about saving Sasuke. If they won't, or they're nervous about the last week and not having Above Suspicion... I might offer up a deal to switch, so we have one more to spare, and I can get Madopyon to be with Cheri.
[senri is
always thinking, and maybe that's the problem.
he stares at tamaki and watches him closely]
... you're talking to me like a host because you don't want to talk to me like Tamaki? And about others, instead of letting me check in on you....?
A good plan, Sen-chan. [A name he hasn't used in a while, but it seems right.] I'll do as I can to keep Mizuki-san safe, and if you choose to switch I'll do the same for you as well.
[It's. Hm. The problem with getting close to anyone is realizing that Senri can read between the lines now and he blinks in surprise.]
...it's been a very long, stressful day. And as this week's host, it's my job...[His argument's weak though and he just goes quiet again.] ...I don't really know.
[senri is thoughtful for another second before he presses a kiss to the top of antoinette's head and then gets up, moving to close some of the distance between himself and beauty
he hesitates for a second
but ultimately decides to hold his hands out again, this time in case beauty might want to take them]
.... it's okay. Sometimes your job can get tiring, even if you chose it, and even if it's something you normally don't hate doing.
[Antoinette licks Senri's face again but ultimately lets him stand up. Tamaki doesn't back away, letting Senri come closer but this time he only pauses for a moment before he takes his hands.
He's aware he's worrying people. He's also aware he could just explain, but that's more worrying. So he's quiet instead.]
I suppose you're right. It's just you. [...somehow that thought relaxes him. He seems stumped of what to say though.] ...thank you for caring about Antoinette as well. [A nod to the dog treats.]
Of course. It'd be rude of us just to eat in front of An-chan.
[he says that easily, because it's true. he thinks about letting tamaki continue to divert them, and they can pretend that everything is alright again. they can act like it's just the two of them, and they're living lives other than the ones they have, where they have to acknowledge how hard everything is.
but would that help this time?
senri holds onto tamaki's hands carefully and directs his gaze down to them]
... you said... you still wanted to do the most you could for me, given what we have to work with. To take care of me, when it was possible.
...["No, because that's not your job." Is what he would normally say. He would say that to Mizuki as well, and it's not very becoming to be sad.
"I don't want everybody to make sorrowful faces because of me."
He had hidden so much from people before, and here he is doing it again. Perhaps that's why his specialty manifested as a god who can keep secrets well. His fingers curl around Senri's as he struggles to come up with an answer.]
...I'm sorry. [That's not really an answer.] I stand by what I've said. You deserve to be treated well and to be taken care of. [He bows his head again.] You're both...so similar. She used to wonder what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to care, if she was doing enough...and often times I think you wonder the same thing because that's just the way you are. Rarely thinking your best is really enough. And it is.
[WHERE IS HE GOING WITH THIS? We don't know, let's just go with it.]
...yes. [He can at least say that, but it's hard to say if the yes is to Senri reminding him of Haruhi, or if he misses her.
Both, really.]
...you're also different than she is. [Somehow his grip's tighter.] I'm glad to have met you even knowing how this will end.
["What makes you happy? Is there anything that doesn't involve other people?"
...
"That's why it's easier not to make any connections, you know."]
Please don't misunderstand. You're still you, no matter who you may remind me of. [He likes Senri as he is, and maybe that's the most unfortunate part.]
[ . . . . senri is quiet for a moment, as if contemplating what to say. what kind of lie can he weave, what can he do to make tamaki feel better. and then he wonders if... maybe it's not about feeling better. maybe it's about letting himself feel what's worse, just for once.]
... I've never met anyone like you before. Even in a prestigious academy, there's no one in the Special Class that even nearly resembles you. I know lots of people, with lots of lifestyles, but there isn't another you. I don't think I'll be able to find you again anywhere.
[and that is both a blessing and a horrific curse on senri's heart.
this is a comfort and warmth that he'll only know right now]
... would it help? To talk about her? To... talk about what you miss?
[The feeling is mutual. There's a thoughtful hum in reply, hands still in Senri's and thoughts bouncing around as he attempts to focus. He's met so many people in the temple, wonderful people who have become friends, but...Senri's different still.
Is that why those words impacted him so much? He knows that's not true, but it's part of it.
There's a lot that Tamaki thinks about and it's history's way of repeating itself again.]
...I don't know. [It's an honest answer, at least.] ...I'm sorry for hiding so many things from you. But there are several things I miss, and I hate to make people sad. [A pause.] Would it help you? To understand everything.
[Senri shakes his head quietly, and means it quite sincerely when he says:] I only want to know if you want to tell me.
[and he knows that tamaki doesn't share, because it'll make people sad. it's the same reason why even now, so very few people know what senri's original wish was. because it's a sad thing, and he doesn't want people to look at him and think only of what he lacks. of what he doesn't know, and what he might never know.
but.]
... if it's sad, that's okay. I don't mind. In fact... if it's heavy, and it's making you sad - I only want to know if you'll let me take some of the weight. If you'll share the burden with me, so you don't need to keep it to yourself.
["You shouldn't have to." Senri has a lot in this game with the things happening to people he cares about and his own losses and struggles. But simultaneously, he knows that perhaps it would be better for him to know. It's not as thought Tamaki doesn't trust him either, but...
...well, they're not in public, at least.]
Senri...do you recall what I said to you when you told me your real wish?
[it's a little hard to forget the first thing that someone ever said to you that made your heart squeeze painfully in your chest, like the first warning of a heartache that would not be solved any time soon]
... a family bond can't be broken, but there's also always room for a family to grow.
And... you'd try to do everything you could for my wish.
...it's something my father said to me once as a child. "Even if we're apart, our family bond can't be broken."
[Another pause, but he looks at their adjoined hands.] When my father met my mother, he was married to another woman. But when I was born, he divorced his wife to try and bring my mother and I to Japan to live with him. To be a family. But my grandmother didn't approve. She had plans for my father as he became the heir to the Suoh Enterprises and we didn't fit into those plans. As such, he stayed in Japan and worked on the business.
My mother's family had their own business, and my mother and I lived just outside of Paris for many years. My father visited sometimes, but it was always for very short periods of time. For a long time, I lived to believe that falling in love would simply bring more quarreling to my family. So I never pursued the idea. If you fall in love, someone will always be sad, and I would never want to cause that.
My mother was in very poor health when I was a child, so I never really spent a lot of time away from her. I didn't make very many friends because I spent my time indoors at her side, playing music for her and making sure she could find a reason to smile. She said there was so much she wanted to do with her time, and even though she was so ill, she said that she spent everyday doing her best to live with a smile on her face, to make sure people surrounding her would be happy, too. She said…that she would be happy so long as I enjoyed myself. So I promised her I would have fun every day and have a reason to smile, so that she would be happy.
...around the time her health really started to decline, my mother's family's business fell into debt. At that time as well, my grandmother started to realize I was my father's only heir, despite being illegitimate. And so...the Suoh family offered my mother a deal. Financial security to stabilze her health. In exchange, I would return to Japan to live under the Suoh family to grow into the heir, and we would never be able to see one another ever again.
I said yes. [...] She was so...fragile. I had to. I told my mother I would go, and she accepted the deal. I moved to Japan during my third year of middle school. I began attending Ouran Academy because my father is not only the head of Suoh Enterprises, but the chairman of the school.
[...] My mother used to tell me my grandmother didn't hate me, but I was still working on earning her approval. Even before the ascension, she never saw me as the heir. But I knew it would take time, and that was alright. I had a promise to keep.
[...] Kyoya was my first friend at Ouran, and even that took time. But I'd made it a goal to have fun every day in Japan. And that's why I started the host club. A place for everyone to have fun every day, a reason to smile and for wishes to come true.
[...he should stop, but he figures if he does he won't finish the story at all.]
Prior to the ascension, my father offered me a deal. He wanted to speak to me about taking over and working with him as he expanded the control and reach of his company. Thirty hotel chains worldwide with more on the way. But...he told me..."you must remember that it's a sad world where feelings don't matter." My ideals and sense of justice couldn't be applied to business, and if I were to take his offer seriously, I would have to change.
[Is that all...?]
...not long after, Hikaru came to an important realization that he was in love with Haruhi, and he told me to stay away. He told me that he didn't want me to accompany them on a ski trip, because he loved her. [There's a soft laugh.] He said that she rejected him, but...he said something else important. He said, “I’m not giving up. I apologize for destroying the atmosphere in the club and making you worry, but we don’t have a relationship that will be broken by that. Even if you’re not family, can’t there be the possibility that bonds even stronger than that exist, too? Even if we’re not family, it’s not going to break down that easily.”
He told me not to run away, and to face myself, and everyone else for once about how I really feel.
[…silence.]
…and then I got the call. [His grip on Senri's hands is almost impossibly tight, and he's taking a few moments to ignore the fact his vision's blurring a bit.] If I can make other people happy and grant their wishes...if I can make a world where people can live beyond the expectations other people give, and a world where people can have fun every day...I can keep all of my promises. But I don't know if I really can.
as tamaki speaks, senri thinks more and more about how he only had bits and pieces. the negotiations that he referenced. the mother that he spoke so fondly of. the moving to japan, kyoya, haruhi, everything that came after. and watches the puzzle pieces slowly click in front of him, to hear everything that tamaki went through, senri feels first the overwhelming urge to protect him.
from everything and everyone who ever hurt him, who stands a chance of hurting him, who will hurt him the future, if it means that tamaki wouldn't have to hold onto senri's hands so tightly, and wouldn't have to make such a sad face.
when he's done speaking, senri pulls his hands away - but not for very long at all. he immediately reaches up and up and up, wrapping his arms around tamaki's neck instead, and pulling him down closer to senri's level. in so many of their hugs, senri is the one to curl up in tamaki's chest, to be comforted. this time senri is the one who draws him closer, who hopes to stand even a chance of being the one to shield him away from all else]
... thank you - for telling me. Thank you for not holding onto that by yourself, anymore. Thank you for not.... keeping it from me.
[for not giving in to the urge to be unknown, to let the secrets take him yet again
and senri is quiet. and perhaps it's not the correct thing to say, perhaps he's still not going to get it quite right, but he seems to have latched onto one thing in particular:]
... your feelings matter. Your ideals, and your sense of justice, and everything that goes through your head and heart. All of it matters.
Because all of those things - they save more people than you can even begin to know, but I...
[Oh. Senri moves suddenly and Tamaki panics for a split-second, wondering if he said something bad this time, but Senri hugs him and he settles. His arms loop around Senri in return and he lets his eyes close so he can ignore the fact he's started to cry at some point toward the end.
"You cry when you're sad and you cry when you're happy." Perhaps his father was right. He's busy leaning into Senri, grip tight again.]
I'm sorry I hid things from you for so long, but I didn't want to upset you. [By being uncertain, or talking about sad things.] ...when you all return home, it'll only be myself and the other gods. I want to do what's right. Back where I'm from, I started surveying my father's corporation. The atmosphere was stifling, but..I didn't want to give up something that might mend the broken bonds.
Here, the bonds were broken between all of us before you all arrived. But when you all leave...what about those bonds? I want to play this game with your best intentions in mind, but..is that truly alright?
[senri holds tamaki close, if only because he's not entirely sure of what else to do. the more tamaki talks, the more senri realizes that he has no experience, no reference for what to do in this situation. it's such a difficult position, and even though he might not be equipped for it, he only continues to think about how upsetting it is that tamaki held onto this all by himself, for so long. he created a place where people could be happy without even once thinking of himself or admitting to his own difficulties
next to how upset he feels, there settles a twist of the same overwhelming fondness that he's felt for weeks]
... I'm upset, but I think it's... an okay kind of upset. The kind of upset when you want to support someone who matters a lot to you, when you want to carry some of what they carry so it's not so heavy for one person. [and tamaki has done this so often for senri - a brief kiss to the top of his head, meant to be soothing, reassuring, and senri doesn't know if it's quite right but he tries it anyway]
It's... no one's going to blame you if you don't know.... It's okay if it's hard to know what's right, but to keep trying. I know that you're always going to keep trying, no matter what happens. In the world that comes out of this, you're going to make a difference, and you're going to be amazing to everyone you meet.
[ . . . ]
But until you get there... if you're sad... or worried... you can show that, too. I like that side of you too, you know?
[It's fine, probably. At least he's not outright sobbing but rather just holding on for the time being because it's a lot that he hadn't felt like sharing for some time now. He's quiet and keeping Senri close and waiting for an answer.
When it comes, his arms wind tighter around him but he's settled. The kiss isn't dismissed, and instead he nods in reply.]
...I want what's best for everyone and for people not to worry. But I understand that perhaps it's more worrisome not to say anything at all. Haruhi...said something similar, but even then I didn't tell her everything. The Host club knows about my situation and they've still accepted it. So...to have you here and understand...it means a lot. But I have to try harder for Mizuki-san to get their wish, and for you as well. So I'm going to put forth more effort in the final week. Even knowing that you'll all be leaving very soon, it's more reason to find a way to work together.
[tamaki can hold on as tightly as he wants to, senri won't flinch away. if anything he'll just try to keep tamaki as close as he can, as if the physical reminder is all that he can manage to assure him that he's not going anywhere. that he'll try to be here as long as he can, for this person that's somehow come to mean so much to him]
... please let me know if there's anything that you need. I'm going to be working hard too, to try to get as many people as I can to figure out the best possible world but....
[he shakes his head quietly, and lets his head rest against tamaki's]
Even if I'm leaving soon.... I'll always remember you, and I'll always wish for your happiness. You're going to find it, because you shine so brightly that there'll be even more people drawn to you soon.... but if there's anything I can do to help even a little bit, you have to let me know.
[What is it that Senri could possibly do, he wonders. The answer would only mean making someone else unhappy, breaking someone else's bonds, and he refuses to do that. On the other hand, he does believe he'll find happiness someday soon because Tamaki always manages to find his own way. It's always been like that. He's always been gifted with the ability to bounce back and come up with something new and fun to focus on. New ways to make people smile. New ways to preserve their memories.
So here…he'll have to find a way, he thinks. He'll find a way to keep the memories of these people and the connections he's made, and maybe find a way to see them again. It might be outside of his power, but there's still that bit of hope.
He's thinking about all of this and keeping quiet though, letting himself hold onto Senri and sort out his thoughts on his own.]
…can I ask you something? Are you happier here now than you were before?
[Tamaki can take as long as he'd like - Senri settles for running his fingers through Tamaki's hair, if only because it's been soothing when other people have done that to him. he's quiet as he listens to the question, and it makes him pause - but perhaps, surprisingly, not for that long.]
... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
[It helps, but that's no surprise. He listens to Senri for a moment before he pulls away to face him, a hand coming up to swipe at his eyes and remove tears as he mulls over all of that.]
…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
[something distant and familiar tugs at senri's memory when he hears tamaki say 'perhaps it's safer not to form connections' but he doesn't let it linger. instead he just laughs quietly, a soft and fond noise, as he lets himself lean into tamaki's touch.
the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
...it's what I usually tell myself, yes. [A philosophy he agrees with and understands.] I would rather think of the happy moments than the sad ones that broke us apart, but sometimes it's unexpected.
...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He stares at his feet for a moment before he looks up again, smile growing a little and easing into the same charming personality he's used to. He can do that. Senri makes him happy despite everything, and he'd rather see him happy than sad because...of him?
That's hardly allowed.]
You've been busy, it's alright. My heart longs for you always, but I find strength in knowing you'll return. [Shut up, Tamaki. There's another strange pause.]
Are the others alright? [Sasuke. Takaomi. He means them specifically.]
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As okay as I can get them to be.... Ishirin-san is going to talk to Mizuki-san, about saving Sasuke. If they won't, or they're nervous about the last week and not having Above Suspicion... I might offer up a deal to switch, so we have one more to spare, and I can get Madopyon to be with Cheri.
[senri is
always thinking, and maybe that's the problem.
he stares at tamaki and watches him closely]
... you're talking to me like a host because you don't want to talk to me like Tamaki? And about others, instead of letting me check in on you....?
How come?
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[It's. Hm. The problem with getting close to anyone is realizing that Senri can read between the lines now and he blinks in surprise.]
...it's been a very long, stressful day. And as this week's host, it's my job...[His argument's weak though and he just goes quiet again.] ...I don't really know.
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he hesitates for a second
but ultimately decides to hold his hands out again, this time in case beauty might want to take them]
.... it's okay. Sometimes your job can get tiring, even if you chose it, and even if it's something you normally don't hate doing.
But it's just me here.
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He's aware he's worrying people. He's also aware he could just explain, but that's more worrying. So he's quiet instead.]
I suppose you're right. It's just you. [...somehow that thought relaxes him. He seems stumped of what to say though.] ...thank you for caring about Antoinette as well. [A nod to the dog treats.]
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[he says that easily, because it's true. he thinks about letting tamaki continue to divert them, and they can pretend that everything is alright again. they can act like it's just the two of them, and they're living lives other than the ones they have, where they have to acknowledge how hard everything is.
but would that help this time?
senri holds onto tamaki's hands carefully and directs his gaze down to them]
... you said... you still wanted to do the most you could for me, given what we have to work with. To take care of me, when it was possible.
Won't you... let me take care of you too?
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"I don't want everybody to make sorrowful faces because of me."
He had hidden so much from people before, and here he is doing it again. Perhaps that's why his specialty manifested as a god who can keep secrets well. His fingers curl around Senri's as he struggles to come up with an answer.]
...I'm sorry. [That's not really an answer.] I stand by what I've said. You deserve to be treated well and to be taken care of. [He bows his head again.] You're both...so similar. She used to wonder what she was supposed to do, how she was supposed to care, if she was doing enough...and often times I think you wonder the same thing because that's just the way you are. Rarely thinking your best is really enough. And it is.
[WHERE IS HE GOING WITH THIS? We don't know, let's just go with it.]
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... I remind you of her - the girl....
[the one that he mentioned to senri before - a few times, even if senri isn't sure if he ever managed to get her name.]
... you must miss her.
[is that who tamaki sees when he looks at senri?
her?]
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Both, really.]
...you're also different than she is. [Somehow his grip's tighter.] I'm glad to have met you even knowing how this will end.
["What makes you happy? Is there anything that doesn't involve other people?"
...
"That's why it's easier not to make any connections, you know."]
Please don't misunderstand. You're still you, no matter who you may remind me of. [He likes Senri as he is, and maybe that's the most unfortunate part.]
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... I've never met anyone like you before. Even in a prestigious academy, there's no one in the Special Class that even nearly resembles you. I know lots of people, with lots of lifestyles, but there isn't another you. I don't think I'll be able to find you again anywhere.
[and that is both a blessing and a horrific curse on senri's heart.
this is a comfort and warmth that he'll only know right now]
... would it help? To talk about her? To... talk about what you miss?
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Is that why those words impacted him so much? He knows that's not true, but it's part of it.
There's a lot that Tamaki thinks about and it's history's way of repeating itself again.]
...I don't know. [It's an honest answer, at least.] ...I'm sorry for hiding so many things from you. But there are several things I miss, and I hate to make people sad. [A pause.] Would it help you? To understand everything.
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[and he knows that tamaki doesn't share, because it'll make people sad. it's the same reason why even now, so very few people know what senri's original wish was. because it's a sad thing, and he doesn't want people to look at him and think only of what he lacks. of what he doesn't know, and what he might never know.
but.]
... if it's sad, that's okay. I don't mind. In fact... if it's heavy, and it's making you sad - I only want to know if you'll let me take some of the weight. If you'll share the burden with me, so you don't need to keep it to yourself.
I can hold onto some of it too.
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...well, they're not in public, at least.]
Senri...do you recall what I said to you when you told me your real wish?
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... a family bond can't be broken, but there's also always room for a family to grow.
And... you'd try to do everything you could for my wish.
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...it's something my father said to me once as a child. "Even if we're apart, our family bond can't be broken."
[Another pause, but he looks at their adjoined hands.] When my father met my mother, he was married to another woman. But when I was born, he divorced his wife to try and bring my mother and I to Japan to live with him. To be a family. But my grandmother didn't approve. She had plans for my father as he became the heir to the Suoh Enterprises and we didn't fit into those plans. As such, he stayed in Japan and worked on the business.
My mother's family had their own business, and my mother and I lived just outside of Paris for many years. My father visited sometimes, but it was always for very short periods of time. For a long time, I lived to believe that falling in love would simply bring more quarreling to my family. So I never pursued the idea. If you fall in love, someone will always be sad, and I would never want to cause that.
My mother was in very poor health when I was a child, so I never really spent a lot of time away from her. I didn't make very many friends because I spent my time indoors at her side, playing music for her and making sure she could find a reason to smile. She said there was so much she wanted to do with her time, and even though she was so ill, she said that she spent everyday doing her best to live with a smile on her face, to make sure people surrounding her would be happy, too. She said…that she would be happy so long as I enjoyed myself. So I promised her I would have fun every day and have a reason to smile, so that she would be happy.
...around the time her health really started to decline, my mother's family's business fell into debt. At that time as well, my grandmother started to realize I was my father's only heir, despite being illegitimate. And so...the Suoh family offered my mother a deal. Financial security to stabilze her health. In exchange, I would return to Japan to live under the Suoh family to grow into the heir, and we would never be able to see one another ever again.
I said yes. [...] She was so...fragile. I had to. I told my mother I would go, and she accepted the deal. I moved to Japan during my third year of middle school. I began attending Ouran Academy because my father is not only the head of Suoh Enterprises, but the chairman of the school.
[...] My mother used to tell me my grandmother didn't hate me, but I was still working on earning her approval. Even before the ascension, she never saw me as the heir. But I knew it would take time, and that was alright. I had a promise to keep.
[...] Kyoya was my first friend at Ouran, and even that took time. But I'd made it a goal to have fun every day in Japan. And that's why I started the host club. A place for everyone to have fun every day, a reason to smile and for wishes to come true.
[...he should stop, but he figures if he does he won't finish the story at all.]
Prior to the ascension, my father offered me a deal. He wanted to speak to me about taking over and working with him as he expanded the control and reach of his company. Thirty hotel chains worldwide with more on the way. But...he told me..."you must remember that it's a sad world where feelings don't matter." My ideals and sense of justice couldn't be applied to business, and if I were to take his offer seriously, I would have to change.
[Is that all...?]
...not long after, Hikaru came to an important realization that he was in love with Haruhi, and he told me to stay away. He told me that he didn't want me to accompany them on a ski trip, because he loved her. [There's a soft laugh.] He said that she rejected him, but...he said something else important. He said, “I’m not giving up. I apologize for destroying the atmosphere in the club and making you worry, but we don’t have a relationship that will be broken by that. Even if you’re not family, can’t there be the possibility that bonds even stronger than that exist, too? Even if we’re not family, it’s not going to break down that easily.”
He told me not to run away, and to face myself, and everyone else for once about how I really feel.
[…silence.]
…and then I got the call. [His grip on Senri's hands is almost impossibly tight, and he's taking a few moments to ignore the fact his vision's blurring a bit.] If I can make other people happy and grant their wishes...if I can make a world where people can live beyond the expectations other people give, and a world where people can have fun every day...I can keep all of my promises. But I don't know if I really can.
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as tamaki speaks, senri thinks more and more about how he only had bits and pieces. the negotiations that he referenced. the mother that he spoke so fondly of. the moving to japan, kyoya, haruhi, everything that came after. and watches the puzzle pieces slowly click in front of him, to hear everything that tamaki went through, senri feels first the overwhelming urge to protect him.
from everything and everyone who ever hurt him, who stands a chance of hurting him, who will hurt him the future, if it means that tamaki wouldn't have to hold onto senri's hands so tightly, and wouldn't have to make such a sad face.
when he's done speaking, senri pulls his hands away - but not for very long at all. he immediately reaches up and up and up, wrapping his arms around tamaki's neck instead, and pulling him down closer to senri's level. in so many of their hugs, senri is the one to curl up in tamaki's chest, to be comforted. this time senri is the one who draws him closer, who hopes to stand even a chance of being the one to shield him away from all else]
... thank you - for telling me. Thank you for not holding onto that by yourself, anymore. Thank you for not.... keeping it from me.
[for not giving in to the urge to be unknown, to let the secrets take him yet again
and senri is quiet. and perhaps it's not the correct thing to say, perhaps he's still not going to get it quite right, but he seems to have latched onto one thing in particular:]
... your feelings matter. Your ideals, and your sense of justice, and everything that goes through your head and heart. All of it matters.
Because all of those things - they save more people than you can even begin to know, but I...
It's okay. To want to save yourself, too.
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"You cry when you're sad and you cry when you're happy." Perhaps his father was right. He's busy leaning into Senri, grip tight again.]
I'm sorry I hid things from you for so long, but I didn't want to upset you. [By being uncertain, or talking about sad things.] ...when you all return home, it'll only be myself and the other gods. I want to do what's right. Back where I'm from, I started surveying my father's corporation. The atmosphere was stifling, but..I didn't want to give up something that might mend the broken bonds.
Here, the bonds were broken between all of us before you all arrived. But when you all leave...what about those bonds? I want to play this game with your best intentions in mind, but..is that truly alright?
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next to how upset he feels, there settles a twist of the same overwhelming fondness that he's felt for weeks]
... I'm upset, but I think it's... an okay kind of upset. The kind of upset when you want to support someone who matters a lot to you, when you want to carry some of what they carry so it's not so heavy for one person. [and tamaki has done this so often for senri - a brief kiss to the top of his head, meant to be soothing, reassuring, and senri doesn't know if it's quite right but he tries it anyway]
It's... no one's going to blame you if you don't know.... It's okay if it's hard to know what's right, but to keep trying. I know that you're always going to keep trying, no matter what happens. In the world that comes out of this, you're going to make a difference, and you're going to be amazing to everyone you meet.
[ . . . ]
But until you get there... if you're sad... or worried... you can show that, too. I like that side of you too, you know?
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When it comes, his arms wind tighter around him but he's settled. The kiss isn't dismissed, and instead he nods in reply.]
...I want what's best for everyone and for people not to worry. But I understand that perhaps it's more worrisome not to say anything at all. Haruhi...said something similar, but even then I didn't tell her everything. The Host club knows about my situation and they've still accepted it. So...to have you here and understand...it means a lot. But I have to try harder for Mizuki-san to get their wish, and for you as well. So I'm going to put forth more effort in the final week. Even knowing that you'll all be leaving very soon, it's more reason to find a way to work together.
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... please let me know if there's anything that you need. I'm going to be working hard too, to try to get as many people as I can to figure out the best possible world but....
[he shakes his head quietly, and lets his head rest against tamaki's]
Even if I'm leaving soon.... I'll always remember you, and I'll always wish for your happiness. You're going to find it, because you shine so brightly that there'll be even more people drawn to you soon.... but if there's anything I can do to help even a little bit, you have to let me know.
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So here…he'll have to find a way, he thinks. He'll find a way to keep the memories of these people and the connections he's made, and maybe find a way to see them again. It might be outside of his power, but there's still that bit of hope.
He's thinking about all of this and keeping quiet though, letting himself hold onto Senri and sort out his thoughts on his own.]
…can I ask you something? Are you happier here now than you were before?
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... yes.
[and that's what makes his heart twist. there's a picture that lives on his person, that he hides away until relevant, but it's always with him. the same family photo that senri had shown tamaki a week before, because it meant everything to him.]
I... hate the weekends. I hate Thursdays right before I have to sleep, Fridays, and Saturdays. I get tired of being scared, and I don't... I'm used to lying, but it's difficult, to do it like I have been.
... but I'll never regret meeting the people that I have here. They... know me. They actually know me. They know that I've lied, to protect myself, to try to protect you - but they didn't stay mad. They check on me, and they care about me, and they'll - do everything they can to protect me, even before themselves.
[don't mind him if he sounds like he's getting a little emotional too]
Some part of me hates that... but the rest of me is - selfish. And is really happy I got to experience what it meant to have people care about me even this much.
[to have people who would look his way, and remember him, without him having to tell lie after lie to get their attention]
I don't want to say goodbye... but I never would've known any of this if I didn't come here in the first place.
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…I don't think it's wrong to feel selfish in that regard, you know. Having people care about you is everything you've ever deserved and I've said that since the beginning. I think this is what it means to expand a family. All of the people you've met here are important…even if it's perhaps safer not to form connections. I don't think people like you and I are good at not doing that, and that's what complicates things.
[He's still hugging him, but his hand comes up to Senri's cheek anyway.]
And perhaps this is what it means to live without regret. Because something beautiful always comes from tragedy…you simply have to look.
[…the problem is that this is 100% Tamaki instead of a host, but. Hm.]
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the hand that was in tamaki's hair moves only so that he can cup his cheek in return, brushing away at tear tracks with his thumb as he offers him a soft smile]
.... 'tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.
[he recites it gently, but certainly]
I've said it to a few people here... ['about you' is what he doesn't say] but I truly believe it. Even if it's difficult. Even if I have to go home soon, and I have to know what I don't get to have anymore... I would rather live in that feeling, and be able to recount all the times we've been able to laugh, or smile together, than to have missed out on those chances.
I don't want you to become a person that's afraid of chasing after what you want, of reaching out to people... because as many times as I might say that I like to have your attention to myself -
The world would be so much darker without people like you, just as you are, reaching out to people who don't even know how much they need you.
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...I don't think I could ever bring myself to truly stop reaching out to people, but there's always the risk. I understand that now, but even knowing that I think it's worth it. I just wish it wasn't so soon. I'm happiest when other people are happy, so I want to reach as many as I can.
["Even at my own expense" is implied even if it's unsaid.]
...thank you, Senri. [There's a soft laugh.] Sorry for troubling you.
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